Category Archives: Tired

Responsible adult, me?

oops…

So the sensible soul that I sometimes can be had planned for a practical day of the monthly Big Shop, possibly the purchasing of a few necessary items of clothing, and maybe the reward of coffee and cake at a suitable emporium. Even a trip to the library and a bookshop, followed by more coffee and cake.

The foolish soul that I also am put my only coat in the washing machine in that not very awake yet state I’m normally in on a Saturday morning before checking the prevailing weather conditions.

I can only plead that it really did need a wash.. and my subconscious was doing us all a favour.

So, on the halfway through the half term weekend that it is, the plan is now stay home, keep dry and warm, and relax which is possibly the better option anyway. It’s been a busy, fraught week and we’re all a touch frazzled.

Get a life..

My New Year’s resolution.

It’s been the strangest few weeks.  I’d spent Christmas/New Year raging against the Whole World, feeling completely isolated, and unable to do anything – talk to anyone, face anyone, write much. I was as tired at the end of the day as at the beginning, though I’d managed to drag myself into action on a couple of fronts, but basically spent the time in a deep fog of  “Why am I bothering ?” and almost total inertia.  [I know – raging and being in a fog and almost total inertia don’t sound as if they should go together, but in Japes’ world, they do!] To the point of worrying myself enough to wonder if a trip to the doctor might not be a  bad idea.

Last Tuesday morning was back to work morning. I’d calmed down enough to be rational in the conversations I needed to have, and had my tattered, but just about workable professional mode wrapped around me.

I found myself completely thrown by the news that morning on the Ship of Fools, I never usually log on before work, so what made me do so is beyond me – other than it gave me a sense of perspective back, along with a resolve I was taking no more crap, I wasn’t the only one who needed this ridiculous way of getting paid sorted.

It took until yesterday to get a definitive answer on the work front. It’s satisfactory for now, but not a long term solution. Satisfactory enough for me to remain in the job for the rest of the academic year. Not satisfactory enough to make me want to remain in this type of work and with a long commute for longer than that! I’ve done the commuting for a year or more longer than I wanted, anyway. It’s too much, both financially and physically. Not only was I worried enough about how I didn’t bounce back during the holidays, as I normally do, but someone who knows me really well, who saw me at the lowest point in the whole process, earlier this week, was also threatening to march me off to the doctors, asked all kinds of awkward questions about whether or not I was eating properly (I am, before you also enquire!) sleeping properly, (um… well… OK…) and in short gave me the kind of lecture I’ve been known to give my students.

Several of whom I had a very memorable chat with this week! Which boiled down to the fact we recognised in the other similar ways of coping with the crap life throws at us. I was explaining I was being the bitch from hell in my private life at the moment, and saving all my niceness for work, as dumping all the nastiness on those I worked with just wasn’t on… but doing the same to my friends wasn’t on either, and so I was isolating myself, and making myself feel worse, and really struggling with how to get myself to break down the isolating barriers.  Well, the floodgates opened, (and they offered to come and beat up anyone who was hassling me… I declined, but was deeply touched by the offer as I  understood the spirit in which it was made!)  and I probably got more real work done with the lads in that hour than in the previous term.

I’m still really, really tired. I love the work I do, but the stress surrounding it is becoming too much. There are glimmers of hope though, and that will do for now.

Resigned…

to so many things at the moment including ..

  • the return of church being a difficult place to be again.,
  • sheer exhaustion most of the time. But, this has been the first weekend I’ve managed to do something other than a little light housework, essential shopping, slob on the sofa, catch up on sleep and sheer resentment by 5.00 p.m. on Sunday Evening at how fast two days off have been going,
  • continuing uncertainty on so many fronts.

I am also resigned to having to do a course, at a level much lower than I am capable of doing, just to tick a few boxes. (though, quite how it ticks the “up-skilling” box is slightly beyond all of us. However, it’s not actually down-skilling.) I am in danger, however, of not passing it from lack of motivation! There may be more on this matter around February!

On the positive side, there have been some very funny moments at work over the last few weeks, including the Best Ever Guilty Conscience moment I’ve seen at work (and I work with teenagers….), my sticker for “Being Good and Sitting Nicely” from the nursery, the moment in A&E when I was heard to be telling a Shakespearean tale to a lad who didn’t know the story (which entertained the nurses as well). Oh, and walking into the Techies’ office with the most creative reason they’ve ever heard for requesting a new e-mail address, (normally impossible to get, which has also totally confirmed the view of those who work there that my second role department are completely bonkers)  – but it was worth it just for the looks they gave me, and the knowing smile from the one person who understood just why I was citing the Archbishop of Canterbury in the reason.

There have also been some moments of sheer God-incidences, where I’ve been in exactly the right place at the right time. I may have thought what I did all that particularly awful day was a complete waste of time and effort, but it was well and truly used to make a really difficult situation much easier. And, some of the stuff I did last year is also paying off.

Still, no-one ever promised this big decision stuff was ever going to be easy, and, on balance, it’s been easier than it might have been – and there is no way I would ever go back to where I was two/three years ago. When I remember that, all the rest is OK.

Brain ache

(Japes emerges from her month long mental lie down in a darkened corner, having hoped it would all go away and leave her alone. It didn’t, so a stern talking to was administered, and normal-ish service has been resumed.)

Oh me oh my, my poor, poor brain.

On the plus side,

  • My ancient O Level in Mathematics has been getting dusted down, and used again. Skills in geometry and trigonometry have been dragged out and re-used.
  • I know more about the internal combustion engine, braking and suspension systems than I did a week ago!
  • I am the proud possessor of a boiler suit, which has been suitably adapted for a Japes’ shape. (Or rather, will be by the end of this weekend, some sleeve adjustments are now needed in the light of a week’s experience!) It goes splendidly with the steel toe capped boots.
  • My inner 8 year old, who yearned to be an electrician or a motor mechanic or both has been getting very, very excited about the recent timetabling at work.
  • My inner 14 year old is shrieking, however, that Physics were given up pre-O Level for good reason.

On the negative side, there has been a lot of stress, and there is more to come.

This weekend, however, has been declared a lazy, do nothing two days.

Nota Bene

All attempts at asking my brain to work are failing.

All attempts to interact with other human beings are also failing.

I declare myself Out Of Action until further notice. Thank you.

Routines, me? It would appear so!

Pah. Try as I might to deny I am really a person of routine, this past three weeks or so has confirmed that on a day to day basis, unless I stick to a routine that works, things get forgotten, misplaced, and I get more than tired.

At least, on work days I need to have a routine that minimises thinking and maximises efficiency. (At least, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!)

So, a fortnight of changing travel arrangements has thrown me.. and in that fortnight the travel arrangements I’d changed from and fondly thought I was changing back to have changed, too!! It now seems I may be marginally closer to the better of the local train stations, now the new road has opened, and I’m going to test that out tomorrow morning.

Woefully, I have had my usual effect on bus routes. (I’m convinced I only have to use a bus route regularly for less than six months and it’s all change) I have carelessly misplaced two from my beautifully convenient bus stop at the end of the road since I last used it. Honest, I only had just over a fortnight off bus usage, the whole system can’t be sulking because I had a little variety… can it?!

To add to my discomfort, my work routines are slowly disintegrating. That happens at this time of the year, though, and thanks to the inefficiency of those I work with, I will at least be working as near a normal couple of weeks until the complete change (for four or five weeks,) then holidays!!!

So, if my own life has hit a bit of a limbo, so has work, and there’s no telling what will happen, on any front!!

Foot is fine, knee not so, emotional state remarkably calm.

After moments of genius, (combination of new trainers, strapping on the bit of foot that was hurting most, and a day’s rest) the foot is no longer hurting, though I’m aware this may only be whilst I’m not walking much!

The knee however, is determined to sulk for a bit longer. I’m also aware it’s not liking the cold and the damp.

However, considering I have written a monumentally important letter this afternoon, I am feeling remarkably calm, and content. It made me cry a little in the writing of it, but only a little. Once it was done, and the back-up e-mail sent, I felt much more able to look a bit more clearly at the next steps work-wise, and what the rest of my life might contain.

Which is not as clear as it was, but I still think Plan A for finishing this in a couple of months is the better plan for me.

Only four more sleeps..

Thank you, Farli, for your kind suggestion of knitting. Although I can knit, and have occasionally been known to do so when the need arises, it’s not something I enjoy, and unfortunately, it would not make the commute any less horrid for me.

On to today’s doings.

After today, my steel toe cap boots can have a well earned rest for three weeks – unless I wear them to venture out into the garden, which I really ought to do soon.

I didn’t manage the calm start to the day, owing to the minor mishap of adjusting my alarm clock – but to a p.m. time, rather than the a.m. time required. Oops. I did get up in time, just, but arrived at work place desperate for more coffee!

Tuesdays are never tranquil, but I kind of like them that way!! I got to play with a new toy today; a mortising machine. I did like it very much.

Tomorrow, now I’ve caught up on the e-mails, will be a very different day again. Whilst I’m relieved to have “only” one place of work, albeit with two different roles, it’s getting harder and harder to differentiate between the roles sometimes, as one thing leads to another, and there’s a lot of overlap. So, tomorrow is swapping back to my other, better known, and original role.

Only six more sleeps

then a whole fortnight to myself… getting up when I like, not going on a bus unless I want to go somewhere I want to go to, interacting only with those I chose to, and a chance to chill out properly.

Maybe also a good chance to get my head around a goodly number of things! This last few weeks have been abysmal for that, and that was pretty apparent during a discussion I had with someone the other day, when if I’d been the other person, I’d’ve got very exasperated with me being uncommunicative and sulky, and would have said a lot, lot more, much less politely than was actually said. In retrospect, I got off pretty lightly, really, though that’s not what I thought at the time.

Oh, and for those trying to guess what my typo the other day was, none of you are right, though sheep was always a good possibility!

Three, one, two, one – this week’s numbers game

this being my current working pattern for term time. Three days on, one day off, two days on, one day off. (One of the days is not in an educational establishment!)

Then there are the three different getting up times – 5.15 a.m. for the three days, and 7.00 a.m for the two days. (8.00 a.m for the second if I don’t mind a bit of a rush!) I’d quite like a lie on on the other days, but my body doesn’t seem able to manage it!

But, joy of joys, after tomorrow morning, I don’t have to be up before 7.00 a.m for 9 whole days!!