Battening down the Hatches

Temperature was messing about, body aching, sheer bone-deep tiredness not shaken off for days, so what did I do all day yesterday? That’s right, I was foolish and worked. Physically hard, all day.

Today, I have paid the penalty, been off work, and have cancelled tomorrow’s activities, just to be on the safe side. I have stayed in and kept warm, essentials were delivered about an hour ago, and I really have shut and bolted the doors to all comers now.

I think, on top of the stressful events of last weekend, and some reactions setting in, there’s also a deep, deep need to be in my own space, with my own things, and to be ordering my life in ways that work for me. It’s a bit of a “So near, and yet so far” stage at the moment. Things are set to fall into place very nicely in six or so weeks time, but could so easily not.

So, today has just been about sleeping, eating, relaxing, and doing as little as possible. As will tomorrow, and probably Monday.

The Stats Game

Those dear people who’ve landed up here as a result of the search engines, looking for answers to the phase they, or others, are going through, I can only sympathise.

I have no advice on whether or not you should go barefoot when visiting a sock wearing boyfriend. It’s one of those things you are just going to have to decide about for yourself. It’s digging too far back in my memory as to what I would have done in a similar circumstance..

I’m retiring for the afternoon. Two hours sleep last night, and no food over the last 24 hours, and a heavy morning spent plotting and scheming (chocolate was refused, as was real coffee – I was sent home for the rest of the day as this is, apparently, conclusive proof I am Not Well!) is not conducive to remaining awake any longer.

I think God is taking me at my word at the moment.

Most Bizarre Christmas for quite a number of years

Midnight Mass was not, as predicted, graced with my presence… it was a mistake to go on Christmas Morning.

“Peace be with you” I muttered incoherently to the priest, as I was aiming to get back to the organ, from the pulpit where I’d just done the intercessions I’d completely forgotten I’d said I’d do, without being got by anyone…

“You should be in bed!” was the liturgically incorrect response. Correct medical diagnosis, though. I came home, cried off from going out to Christmas lunch, (we have nice friends who didn’t take this badly) and took to my bed again!! Luckily I have no appetite, as there is little in the way of food… other than copious amounts of chocolate that I’ve just offered to Jack the Lass to help her essay marking, and the copious amounts of store cupboard stuff that is not of my choosing which I really cannot face making into anything I might feel like eating. Hopefully, I’ll feel a bit more like emerging, taking myself off in a supermarket direction and returning with some easy and nutritious food tomorrow. Because, on Wednesday’s evidence, even asking the other member of this household to adhere to any list I might issue is asking Too Much. Offers of getting stuff have been made, but experience tells me I’ll get what is thought to be right, not what I want. Sighs…..

Believe it or not, I’m normally very healthy! To be laid low like this twice in one month is incredibly unusual. To not want to eat chocolate is unheard of.

Apologies if you think your statistics have gone haywire

but as I’m confined to my room, and mostly to the horizontal, with no new books to read, various Wiblogs are the reading matter of choice! It’s fascinating reading a whole blog from start to finish. In stages between the frequent naps….

Am not going to Midnight Mass, which will be the first time in many years. I hope to have enough energy for tomorrow morning, as I’m tomorrow’s organist, but am seriously considering crying off Christmas Lunch. I’m supposed to be going to a friend’s, and several of us will be gathered, but I’m not going to be good company.

I normally cope well with the control freakery that reigns in what is supposed to be my kitchen as well, (I accept I’m an untidy whatsit, but that as things out of place really do offend the other member of this household, I do confine it to my own space but it means the rest of the house only feels like my home when I’m here alone) but after being told I was “allowed” to leave them out, for now, when I’d deliberately left the decaffeinated coffee and hot chocolate out to remind me to drink more of a variety of stuff, I yelled I didn’t need permission to do something in my own home. It’s a pointless battle, which I’m never going to win, and today isn’t the day to fight it.

best I stay home tomorrow….

And I’m back to sleep now…

But, I’m enjoying the reading, even if it is mucking up your statistics.

Fifty Three

Yesterday’s significant number.

I played, or sang Fifty Three Carols. Several of them several times. I’m not even attempting to add up the weeks quota. It was Too Many.

Today I have a return of the nasty all-over achy and hot ears and sore throat and lethargic lurgy. I have sat still, or laid down in a quiet room, and hidden away all day. It seemed best. It kind of explained the narkiness I was experiencing in the morning, which I was putting down to Excess Carol-itis.

Had enough now….

Conceding defeat

It would appear, after proper investigation, I have been indulging in the ‘flu. It confused me, because I’ve not had obvious cold-type symptoms but I will continue to feel grotty for a while to come…

Not, as I was beginning to suspect to myself, some kind of self-induced illness to avoid the excessive Advent/Christmas activities in the numerous different environments in which I will be partaking of aforementioned activities… one parish with four churches, and assorted related activities, three schools, one college, one home….

Or to avoid something else all together. Of the Humungous Discussions variety that might or might not be life changing. Of which more later if perchance there is more to say.

I am not being harsh on myself for suspecting myself of self induced illness. I was a past expert at inducing migraines as a teenager, when the pain of a migraine was preferable to the pain of whatever was about to happen. Until I realised what I was doing… I have been known to “extend” an illness by a day or two longer, when I really could’ve been out and about.

It doesn’t make me feel much better about yesterday. I probably should not have done what I did, but I wanted to… except, I was rude and snappy every time someone came up to ask how I was… or they stood peering over my shoulder or insisting on talking to me whilst I was playing (I was sat at the organ in one of the churches, playing carols to provide background to an open day).until it ended in tears, and it was finally realised I really meant it when I said, “I can do this, but just leave me alone.” Even on a good day, though, I’d've been saying “Please, go away, you’re distracting me.” or “I can’t play and talk at the same time.” Just with a smile on my face.

So, in between bursts of activity, I am conceding I need to sleep, or at least lie down until I feel more myself again.

This is all very well, but…

I’m getting bored now. Whatever bug this is that is lingering in my system can pack it’s bags and go away. You have overstayed your welcome by about five days.

I’ve had several attempts at doing some work, but have been so woolly headed, I’m only going to have to re-do it. Reading is restricted to a few pages at a time, either books or blogs. Music is non-stop gentle classical. (Bach’s Cello Suites for now…)

All I seem to be managing successfully is a morning nap, an afternoon nap, an evening nap, and a full eight to ten hours sleep every night.

I have an ominous feeling this is a deliberate ploy on God’s part to get me to stop… and my body is co-operating even if my brain doesn’t want to in the slightest.

Don’t do early…

except when I’ve flaked at at the unreasonably early evening hour of 8.30 p.m.. Not that I’m really awake, but I’m all over achy enough at a lowish level not to want to add back ache from being in bed for more than ten hours. I think I just have to accept this whatever it is I have been indulging in since last week does unspeakable things to the energy levels. and is messing around with my sleep patterns. Oh. And that staying out late on a school night isn’t an option for a bit, unless I’ve slept for a hour or so in the afternoon.

Pah.

And more pah.

I’m also supposed to be writing an e-mail to someone who I need to communicate information to, but don’t necessarily want to have a conversation with, and I have a horrid feeling there is going to be loud protestations at my current refusal to talk… the protestation would be entirely justified, and I may have to give in.

Pah, and even more pah.

So, having have the obligatory moment of procrastination, I’d better go and do the e-mail, then face the day properly.

Should I or shouldn’t I?

Actually, I already know the answer really… I’m not going to church! I am currently all wrapped up warmly in sleeping bag, in comfy armchair, in warmest spot in my room, and here I stay!

I’m feeling better that I was and am now at the limp lettuce stage if I do too much…like walk downstairs, or remain upright for more than ten minutes. I also know from long, long bitter experience that a cold that decides to take up residence in the chest area takes up residence for the long term. This is to be avoided if at all possible, and as I really do need to be on deck for tomorrow evening, rather than today, I’m staying put.

The other excellent indicator of not well-ness was definitely in evidence yesterday – crying at films is something I do relatively easily anyway (why films make me cry and books don’t, with one or two rare exceptions, is a mystery to ponder on another time) but yesterday I was considering putting out flood warnings for the area! They were films I’d seen before, I knew what was coming, I certainly didn’t cry at either of them first time round.

So, staying put for today, and as much of tomorrow as is reasonably possible, without tackling the pile of work that is threatening to over-flow out of it’s appointed area if I don’t do something to reduce it all soon, would be a Very Good Idea.

Off for more a horizontal view of life!

It is somewhat of a miracle that I’ve lasted this long

considering all the bugs and germs and lurgies doing the rounds, but I have well and truly succumbed now, and have the sore throat, the hot ears, the slightly perturbing feeling of a rock in the stomach, the all over aching and the ricocheting temperature. Until ten minutes ago I had several layers of clothing and the heating on full, and was still cold, despite friend’s reassurances it actually was rather warm in the house…

So, I’m going off line before I give it to anyone else.

See you when I emerge from the pit.