I have coffee, I am calm…
Two weeks ago, after work, in the evening, I toddled along to the doctor to get the blood test results, and he told me a repeat of part of the test was needed, and to book an appointment for a months time. The lovely lady at reception asked me to call back to arrange this in two weeks, as there were no appointments on the system for the dates we’d be looking at. I smiled, noted this in my diary, and went off quite content.
Then, two weeks on, I had a reminder call from the surgery, both at home and on my mobile which is switched off during the working day unless negotiations have taken place for an expected, essential call. Trust me, you don’t want to do those negotiations more than once a year or so. The long term memory of the teenager is awesome when it comes to the number of my transgressions in the using the phone department. I duly called the surgery back when I got home, ascertained there were still no appointments on the system, and agreed to phone back at the beginning of this week.
Between now and then, I’ve had two more calls and a letter asking me to make the appointment I couldn’t make because there were no appointments on the system. (The letter got sent because the morning receptionist didn’t know I’d responded to the first calls, and because she got no response, as I’d phoned in the evening, as far as she was concerned, no response had come from me!) It finally got made last night, to the great relief of both me and the evening receptionist. Who has finally had the sense to leave a note on the system saying I can’t phone back during the working day, as I won’t get the messages until I get home!
I am pleased my doctor’s surgery is very diligent, but I have suggested they take into consideration I may be one of the few people on their books (a) in full time employment, and (b) who commutes out of city for work. I am hoping fervently that the blip they noted was purely my system not liking the two weeks worth of flu-type illness, rather than something else.
Mental and emotional energy have returned, along with motivation, and enthusiasm…
Physical energy has plummeted to rock bottom, however, and I am horribly suspicious that by morning I will have a ricochetting temperature, and achy all over symptoms. I’ve hints of both now. Alas, this occasionally happens after a period of emotional stress – that clears, and my body informs me it needs a rest, and does it the only way it knows, by getting ill.
I thought I’d managed to side-step it by having had a fairly lazy three days, and thought this afternoon’s long nap was quite unjustified, even after the provocation of “Walk in the Light” sung way too slowly, and so painfully correctly according to the musical notation.
Ah well, I’ve taken all the necessary precautions, and just hope it’s cleared enough by the morning.
Temperature was messing about, body aching, sheer bone-deep tiredness not shaken off for days, so what did I do all day yesterday? That’s right, I was foolish and worked. Physically hard, all day.
Today, I have paid the penalty, been off work, and have cancelled tomorrow’s activities, just to be on the safe side. I have stayed in and kept warm, essentials were delivered about an hour ago, and I really have shut and bolted the doors to all comers now.
I think, on top of the stressful events of last weekend, and some reactions setting in, there’s also a deep, deep need to be in my own space, with my own things, and to be ordering my life in ways that work for me. It’s a bit of a “So near, and yet so far” stage at the moment. Things are set to fall into place very nicely in six or so weeks time, but could so easily not.
So, today has just been about sleeping, eating, relaxing, and doing as little as possible. As will tomorrow, and probably Monday.
Those dear people who’ve landed up here as a result of the search engines, looking for answers to the phase they, or others, are going through, I can only sympathise.
I have no advice on whether or not you should go barefoot when visiting a sock wearing boyfriend. It’s one of those things you are just going to have to decide about for yourself. It’s digging too far back in my memory as to what I would have done in a similar circumstance..
I’m retiring for the afternoon. Two hours sleep last night, and no food over the last 24 hours, and a heavy morning spent plotting and scheming (chocolate was refused, as was real coffee – I was sent home for the rest of the day as this is, apparently, conclusive proof I am Not Well!) is not conducive to remaining awake any longer.
I think God is taking me at my word at the moment.
Midnight Mass was not, as predicted, graced with my presence… it was a mistake to go on Christmas Morning.
“Peace be with you” I muttered incoherently to the priest, as I was aiming to get back to the organ, from the pulpit where I’d just done the intercessions I’d completely forgotten I’d said I’d do, without being got by anyone…
“You should be in bed!” was the liturgically incorrect response. Correct medical diagnosis, though. I came home, cried off from going out to Christmas lunch, (we have nice friends who didn’t take this badly) and took to my bed again!! Luckily I have no appetite, as there is little in the way of food… other than copious amounts of chocolate that I’ve just offered to Jack the Lass to help her essay marking, and the copious amounts of store cupboard stuff that is not of my choosing which I really cannot face making into anything I might feel like eating. Hopefully, I’ll feel a bit more like emerging, taking myself off in a supermarket direction and returning with some easy and nutritious food tomorrow. Because, on Wednesday’s evidence, even asking the other member of this household to adhere to any list I might issue is asking Too Much. Offers of getting stuff have been made, but experience tells me I’ll get what is thought to be right, not what I want. Sighs…..
Believe it or not, I’m normally very healthy! To be laid low like this twice in one month is incredibly unusual. To not want to eat chocolate is unheard of.
but as I’m confined to my room, and mostly to the horizontal, with no new books to read, various Wiblogs are the reading matter of choice! It’s fascinating reading a whole blog from start to finish. In stages between the frequent naps….
Am not going to Midnight Mass, which will be the first time in many years. I hope to have enough energy for tomorrow morning, as I’m tomorrow’s organist, but am seriously considering crying off Christmas Lunch. I’m supposed to be going to a friend’s, and several of us will be gathered, but I’m not going to be good company.
I normally cope well with the control freakery that reigns in what is supposed to be my kitchen as well, (I accept I’m an untidy whatsit, but that as things out of place really do offend the other member of this household, I do confine it to my own space but it means the rest of the house only feels like my home when I’m here alone) but after being told I was “allowed” to leave them out, for now, when I’d deliberately left the decaffeinated coffee and hot chocolate out to remind me to drink more of a variety of stuff, I yelled I didn’t need permission to do something in my own home. It’s a pointless battle, which I’m never going to win, and today isn’t the day to fight it.
best I stay home tomorrow….
And I’m back to sleep now…
But, I’m enjoying the reading, even if it is mucking up your statistics.
Yesterday’s significant number.
I played, or sang Fifty Three Carols. Several of them several times. I’m not even attempting to add up the weeks quota. It was Too Many.
Today I have a return of the nasty all-over achy and hot ears and sore throat and lethargic lurgy. I have sat still, or laid down in a quiet room, and hidden away all day. It seemed best. It kind of explained the narkiness I was experiencing in the morning, which I was putting down to Excess Carol-itis.
Had enough now….
It would appear, after proper investigation, I have been indulging in the ‘flu. It confused me, because I’ve not had obvious cold-type symptoms but I will continue to feel grotty for a while to come…
Not, as I was beginning to suspect to myself, some kind of self-induced illness to avoid the excessive Advent/Christmas activities in the numerous different environments in which I will be partaking of aforementioned activities… one parish with four churches, and assorted related activities, three schools, one college, one home….
Or to avoid something else all together. Of the Humungous Discussions variety that might or might not be life changing. Of which more later if perchance there is more to say.
I am not being harsh on myself for suspecting myself of self induced illness. I was a past expert at inducing migraines as a teenager, when the pain of a migraine was preferable to the pain of whatever was about to happen. Until I realised what I was doing… I have been known to “extend” an illness by a day or two longer, when I really could’ve been out and about.
It doesn’t make me feel much better about yesterday. I probably should not have done what I did, but I wanted to… except, I was rude and snappy every time someone came up to ask how I was… or they stood peering over my shoulder or insisting on talking to me whilst I was playing (I was sat at the organ in one of the churches, playing carols to provide background to an open day).until it ended in tears, and it was finally realised I really meant it when I said, “I can do this, but just leave me alone.” Even on a good day, though, I’d’ve been saying “Please, go away, you’re distracting me.” or “I can’t play and talk at the same time.” Just with a smile on my face.
So, in between bursts of activity, I am conceding I need to sleep, or at least lie down until I feel more myself again.
I’m getting bored now. Whatever bug this is that is lingering in my system can pack it’s bags and go away. You have overstayed your welcome by about five days.
I’ve had several attempts at doing some work, but have been so woolly headed, I’m only going to have to re-do it. Reading is restricted to a few pages at a time, either books or blogs. Music is non-stop gentle classical. (Bach’s Cello Suites for now…)
All I seem to be managing successfully is a morning nap, an afternoon nap, an evening nap, and a full eight to ten hours sleep every night.
I have an ominous feeling this is a deliberate ploy on God’s part to get me to stop… and my body is co-operating even if my brain doesn’t want to in the slightest.
except when I’ve flaked at at the unreasonably early evening hour of 8.30 p.m.. Not that I’m really awake, but I’m all over achy enough at a lowish level not to want to add back ache from being in bed for more than ten hours. I think I just have to accept this whatever it is I have been indulging in since last week does unspeakable things to the energy levels. and is messing around with my sleep patterns. Oh. And that staying out late on a school night isn’t an option for a bit, unless I’ve slept for a hour or so in the afternoon.
And more pah.
I’m also supposed to be writing an e-mail to someone who I need to communicate information to, but don’t necessarily want to have a conversation with, and I have a horrid feeling there is going to be loud protestations at my current refusal to talk… the protestation would be entirely justified, and I may have to give in.
Pah, and even more pah.
So, having have the obligatory moment of procrastination, I’d better go and do the e-mail, then face the day properly.