I am an idiot

and am retiring to a far corner to recover…

In time, I will be OK about it all, and I’m sure somewhere along the line it’ll all work out, but right now it doesn’t seem that way.

I so need sleep, a holiday, and a hug.

(Edit: I did catch the Freudian typo of an extra “h” in the last sentence before publishing, but it has reminded me I need to write an Important E-mail!)

Yet another nap

I was going to get so much done yesterday, and the evening before, and be all caught up with myself. But, the main physical causes of my underlying grotty feeling, leading to the tears, temper and tantrums became apparent over-night, and a double whammy of unwellness materialised. (I knew it wasn’t just frustration at the broadband stuff)

So, I am lying on the sofa, awaiting the arrival of supplies, and the last of my boxes!! I’ve not had my possessions all in one place for months now, and despite feeling grotty, this has cheered me up.

I am also aware of another cause of grottiness, more emotional this time. Some of it I’ve dealt with – on the grounds I might not be feeling well, but it did only take three phone calls to get the ball rolling, and it’s a major weight off my mind! The other related bit will have to wait until next week.

The rest of it is more down to a deep, deep stubbornness within me about admitting I might need some help. Or even that I even have needs that are not wants!! Somewhere along the line I’ve retreated far, far into an isolated  place I’d almost forgotten about…mainly because I’ve not been there for so long! But, by phoning in sick, (and if I hadn’t been so tired as well as feeling well and truly kicked in the stomach, I would’ve gone to work) and then by tackling the calls I’d been dreading doing, I’ve gone quite a way down the line to reminding myself it is perfectly OK to ask for help, and I’m not being a pest or a nuisance.

I am frustrated that various things haven’t happened by now, and frustrated that I’ve had to do some things I really hadn’t wanted to. I still haven’t any clue of how the next phase of my life is going to shape out… which isn’t altogether surprising as Plan A was totally kicked off the field and out of sight, then unexpectedly kicked back into play again, and is tantalisingly possible still, but not certain. Until it’s been 100% kicked into touch, I don’t think I’m going to settle into looking for Plan B.

I’m not sure if it’s worse than the uncertainty I lived with in my early 20s. Plan A for my life really went for a burton, though never quite left me, as I’ve worked in the same field whenever I’ve had paid work, just not in the role for which I originally trained – but know I’m not cut out to do, either then, or now. What I then did for the next twenty years wasn’t supposed to come to an end the way it did, but it has. I don’t regret the huge change my life is undergoing, but dealing with the consequences is exhausting.

Or, maybe the cutting myself off from everyone, and pretending I’m fine, and all is well when it’s not and I’m not is the exhausting bit. Or the going round and round in circles trying to get life on a more even keel is exhausting.

Strangely, I was really looking forwards to seeing more of friends over this year or so, and it just hasn’t happened.

It is time for another nap…

Triggers

“So, what are the triggers….?”

I got asked this the other week, when I was trying to explain the erratic ups and downs of my emotions at the moment, but I dodged the question a bit at the time, saying there were too many different things, and it could all seem a bit something and nothing!

It’s stayed with me as something to think about, because what I said seemed true at the time, but didn’t satisfy either me or my questioner!

Today’s trigger was one I’ve blogged about before, and I knew even before we got to it, as I’m currently going to a church that is using a hymnbook I know extremely well. To the point of knowing the numbers of hymns I know best, and have used in Car Number Plate Hymn Singing Contests. (Which only works with old cars with two and three digit numbers on the UK registration plates – the current system doesn’t work well, though will we go to three digits now were in year 10? I digress…). I am resigned to music in church doing me in on a regular basis for now, unless I’m playing.

Friday’s triggers, though I covered it up until I got home from work, were odder. One was being mocked for having two back-packs, and how could I possible use two when I only have one back? I’m beginning to get very annoyed about the mocking from this source, as it’s someone I’ve listened to a lot, especially when she is feeling misunderstood for doing something she considers perfectly normal, but other people don’t. I was also thrown by a complete change of timetabling for Job Number Two. I’m sure it’ll be OK, and it is more hours, but it’s unsettling. I was very professional and calm as I was told about it, but reacted when I got home. I know why the changes are being implemented, and they are being done on a logical basis… this is re-enforcing to me that this is not a world I can work in longer than this year.

Yesterday’s trigger shook me up more than I really realised. I’ve made a bit of a joke of it, but the fact remains I was quite shaken and totally adamant that I was finishing my self-appointed task of cleaning behind the bookshelves at Job Number Three so no-one else had to find anything like this. I was rescuing books and stock that had fallen behind them, (easily done, not usually deliberate) or rubbish, items that had been deliberately placed there that were not of the shop stock, and came across this one item of a nasty, obscene kind that I didn’t want to see, or let my colleagues see, let alone any customer in the shop. I came home and immediately had a bath, once I’d destroyed that which I’d found.

I think if I had to sum up the triggers over the last few months, they come into four main categories.

• Reminders of significant events or people.
• Changes of routine outside my control.
• Invasion of privacy and personal space.
• Anything totally unexpected!!

But, and it’s a significant but, not all instances of these send me off into a emotional downward spiral, and I am hopeful this is all temporary!!

Scary

I am a wimp. This is official. I’ve long been unable to watch films that have a lot of violence in them, and rarely see films with a 15 or 18 certificate unless someone who knows me has vetted it.

It’s confirmed having watched a group of mostly 17 year old young men being taught how to use a Band Saw Machine, and the ease at which it cut through thick wood. Now, I’ve heard that machine in action a lot, I’ve watched it being used by an expert, and not really thought about it, but having learnt today all about it (I can draw a beautiful diagram of it!) and all that can go wrong… I may have to close my eyes when they are taking their turns at using it. I shall pray very hard instead. Luckily, I don’t have to have a go.

Mind you, the day before all this could’ve been a scary day, and nearly was, but I followed all my instructions to the letter and all was well. Shame about the fact the instructions had been changed and no-one informed those who needed to know. That could’ve been much, much scarier.

Then, it went and snowed. Again. There was much in the way of bad language at 05.17 a.m. as I contemplated the extra inches of the stuff that had appeared whilst I slept. I did get to come home early, though.

Boilers and pipes and washing machine all seem to be behaving, though. Thanks for the link to the Patron Saint of Plumbing, Cal, I like the mixture of things he’s Patron Saint of!! Luckily, truthsign, I am neither in North London, or in need of a new plumber. I’m sure he is an admirable saintly plumber, though, and i am convinced they all need cherishing at the moment.

Is there a patron saint of plumbing?

Because I need to invoke whoever it is to keep guard over my boiler, and my outside pipes until this cold spell is over, as I want no more boiler dramas, definitely not another frozen pipe, and no more Nice Men traipsing through the house at regular intervals. (Well…. OK, I’m open to negotiation on that latter point, depending on the Nice Man.) Especially when I’ve just washed the floors.

On the other hand, I have now been properly introduced to my youngest next door neighbour, and he is a most charming young man.

However, it wasn’t how I intended spending most today at all, and I’m now going to have to work out how to fit the rest of the work that I should’ve been doing into the odd few hours I get to myself next week!!

Luckily, the main event of the day took place as planned, and all was well. I said what needed to be said, mostly (I remembered two bits I missed after, but decided I’d probably said more than enough for now – especially as it was difficult stuff to say anyway), and was heard. I need to leave that stuff now, and trust it will be dealt with.

I think I will sleep well tonight…

Trudging

That’s what I’ve been doing all of today! Trudging along in my heavy boots (slow, but I got to my destinations, and I stayed upright!) trudging along through a dull day’s work, trudging home what was supposed to be a quicker way. And trudging through the pile of forms and collecting official bits of paper together for a trudge to hand them all in tomorrow.

But there have been some non-trudgy bits of today! I’ve had the necessary conversations with the all the necessary people today, and all concerned now accept I am job hunting for one, full time job. We are all in agreement that whilst we’ve all tried to make this complex arrangement of two part time jobs in the same work place make up one full time job, it just isn’t going to happen.

Tomorrow won’t involve a lot of trudging, or at least I hope it won’t!! It will involve a lot of talking, and sorting out, and hopefully some further clarity.

Oops…

Oh my… I have never sung “When I survey the Wondrous Cross” and “Hark the Herald Angels sing” in the same service before, and it’s an experience I’d really rather not repeat. Still, that’s one possible church off my list. For several reasons.

I’m going to have to grovel to my younger godson. Who, if rumours are to be believed, is now a good six to eight inches taller than when last I saw him a few months ago. Which means he, aged twelve, now towers over me. Help!!!

I am utterly bemused at rail fare increases. I can travel to C or D from A or B. A to C or D, the more expensive options, have not changed, but B to C or D have changed quite significantly. B is just the next stop along from A in the getting to C or D.

I think I would quite like to have the rest of the month as a duvet month…

What did you get for Christmas?

Was the opening line of Sunday’s sermon… and I nearly threw my hymn book at the preacher for total lack of originality! Which would not have been very well behaved of me on a first Sunday at a likely new church. (It is likely to be where I go most Sundays, mostly because it’s within easy walking distance, but I will test out one or two others before making my mind up.)

However, I did ponder today that I got far more for Christmas than the two presents I opened when I returned after Midnight Mass.

I’m feeling more and more like myself as time goes by, and less and less inclined to be anything other than that!!

I’ve working out who my genuine friends are, and there’s been a surprise or two, but mostly not.

I’ve got a dear little home, and home it is indeed becoming.

I’ve still not got a clue what the future holds, and what I’m doing in the way of paid work, which gets more of a conundrum every day at the moment, but I have New Plans!!

It’s all happening

Looks like my preferred plan for work after Christmas may be possible, after all. I’m pleased for me, but also very sad, because other friends in the same field of work are losing their jobs very suddenly, just before Christmas. I was also offered more work at the other place as well this week. Which, if Plan A really doesn’t happen, I will accept, and resign myself to the nasty commute four days a week, rather than only once, or twice.

Then, I came home to no heat, no hot water, and when I went to investigate, and gingerly turned a tap or two, water poured from places water shouldn’t have been pouring from. Various taps have been turned off, hastily, and Nice Mr Gas Installation Man will come and see what’s what tomorrow. And, I’ve now dried out.

I so enjoyed yesterday evening just chatting to friends I’ve not spoken to properly for ages… I am hopeful the slight phone phobia I was developing may well be cured.

I was going to be brave and investigate a new church tomorrow, but I think staying in for Nice Mr Gas Installation Man tomorrow is more important.

Missing for a bit…

… owing to moving house, no internet at home until I get it sorted, and Life in General in the lead up to 19th December and a respite from work, I won’t be around much, if at all until after….. oh, you know when.