Category Archives: It hurts!

Eek!

No, I’ve not been eating hot, buttered toast all this time. Nor have I been contemplating a long post all day.

I have been clothes shopping. I repeat, I have been clothes shopping. This is possibly my least favoured way of spending a Saturday of all time!! It’s possibly my least favoured activity of all time.

This has been forced upon me by the fact all my clothes are now way too big, I can get away with it with the tops, but the trousers and jeans I wear for work have been looking bad for some weeks, even with a belt… and we will not discuss the undergarments. Though, I did have a sort out of those recently, and it’s less of a problem than the outer garments.

The good news is I am definitely a size I can’t remember having been for more years than I wish to record. The bad news was almost every shop I went into had larger clothes and smaller clothes, but not the size I was after.

Still, I have returned with a new pair of jeans, for the days I need to look relatively respectable. (Luckily, on three days a week I can still get away with the old jeans, as we all wear old clothes that don’t matter as it’s messy work on those days.) I’ve come back with some ideas of what I want – and can try other branches of these places in a different part of the city.

The next thing will be new trainers. I last had feet/knee problems when I really needed new trainers!! For some reason, even though the shoes I’ve bought for work were a repeat pair, they are nowhere near as comfortable for walking in as the originals. I’m also wearing my steel toe cap boots twice a week, not just the once, and walking twice as far in them. My feet have rebelled!!

So, Monday will see me braving other parts of the city to continue these exciting excursions.

I need more toast!! As Miffy commented on the previous post; priorities!!

Only six more sleeps

then a whole fortnight to myself… getting up when I like, not going on a bus unless I want to go somewhere I want to go to, interacting only with those I chose to, and a chance to chill out properly.

Maybe also a good chance to get my head around a goodly number of things! This last few weeks have been abysmal for that, and that was pretty apparent during a discussion I had with someone the other day, when if I’d been the other person, I’d’ve got very exasperated with me being uncommunicative and sulky, and would have said a lot, lot more, much less politely than was actually said. In retrospect, I got off pretty lightly, really, though that’s not what I thought at the time.

Oh, and for those trying to guess what my typo the other day was, none of you are right, though sheep was always a good possibility!

Yet another nap

I was going to get so much done yesterday, and the evening before, and be all caught up with myself. But, the main physical causes of my underlying grotty feeling, leading to the tears, temper and tantrums became apparent over-night, and a double whammy of unwellness materialised. (I knew it wasn’t just frustration at the broadband stuff)

So, I am lying on the sofa, awaiting the arrival of supplies, and the last of my boxes!! I’ve not had my possessions all in one place for months now, and despite feeling grotty, this has cheered me up.

I am also aware of another cause of grottiness, more emotional this time. Some of it I’ve dealt with – on the grounds I might not be feeling well, but it did only take three phone calls to get the ball rolling, and it’s a major weight off my mind! The other related bit will have to wait until next week.

The rest of it is more down to a deep, deep stubbornness within me about admitting I might need some help. Or even that I even have needs that are not wants!! Somewhere along the line I’ve retreated far, far into an isolated  place I’d almost forgotten about…mainly because I’ve not been there for so long! But, by phoning in sick, (and if I hadn’t been so tired as well as feeling well and truly kicked in the stomach, I would’ve gone to work) and then by tackling the calls I’d been dreading doing, I’ve gone quite a way down the line to reminding myself it is perfectly OK to ask for help, and I’m not being a pest or a nuisance.

I am frustrated that various things haven’t happened by now, and frustrated that I’ve had to do some things I really hadn’t wanted to. I still haven’t any clue of how the next phase of my life is going to shape out… which isn’t altogether surprising as Plan A was totally kicked off the field and out of sight, then unexpectedly kicked back into play again, and is tantalisingly possible still, but not certain. Until it’s been 100% kicked into touch, I don’t think I’m going to settle into looking for Plan B.

I’m not sure if it’s worse than the uncertainty I lived with in my early 20s. Plan A for my life really went for a burton, though never quite left me, as I’ve worked in the same field whenever I’ve had paid work, just not in the role for which I originally trained – but know I’m not cut out to do, either then, or now. What I then did for the next twenty years wasn’t supposed to come to an end the way it did, but it has. I don’t regret the huge change my life is undergoing, but dealing with the consequences is exhausting.

Or, maybe the cutting myself off from everyone, and pretending I’m fine, and all is well when it’s not and I’m not is the exhausting bit. Or the going round and round in circles trying to get life on a more even keel is exhausting.

Strangely, I was really looking forwards to seeing more of friends over this year or so, and it just hasn’t happened.

It is time for another nap…

Church and Music

Organ playing is going to be interesting tomorrow. Right Knee has turned several interesting shades of purple, and has the kind of large scab developing that is going to be irresistible for picking purposes in a few days time. Moreover, Right Knee currently does not like being used for its main function of bending the leg. This makes things like sitting with feet neatly on the floor, the process of standing up, and playing the pedal board of the organ somewhat interesting!

I can also envisage the getting on to the organ stool process being even more entertaining than usual. It’s a high stool, especially for someone who is short of stature, and somewhat rotund. It’s achieved with the aid of another chair next to the stool for balancing purposes. I can only be grateful that I normally do the process of getting on and off the stool at moments during the service when most people are occupied with other matters! And that wearing jeans to this church is perfectly acceptable.

I am, however, weakening on a weekly basis in my resolve to find a new church! I do have good reasons for needing to do this…and one in particular. My failure is partly because this particular church is such a good one for me, for now. Partly because my main reason is incomprehensible to anyone but me, and God, (and even God seems to be on everyone else’s side at the moment in this matter) and the main reason I’m giving seems to most people (which isn’t my main reason) not a particularly good one at all. However, I am genuinely not keen to spend significant chunks of Sundays hanging around for buses, if there’s a reasonable church closer at hand. It would also be good for me to be going to church and not either playing, or reading, or intercessing, or helping on any rota, or being anyone other than me for a little while. Trouble is, at this time of year, I find it hard to say no to requests to play, especially when I know the church, and how hard it can be to get anyone to play for Midnight.

This all needs rethinking in the New Year!

My knee saw stars

as it made contact with the pavement, very unexpectedly, and very rapidly. It really wasn’t good news that I had a large bag of potatoes in my backpack to add to my own weight helping the speed of descent. The good news was that there is less of me, and had this happened four months ago it would have been much worse.

Knee has now stiffened up very nicely, despite my ministrations, and hot bath, and coaxing into good behaviour. This is going to make the four lots of twenty minute walks to train stations and work fun tomorrow, so I might go to work the slow way, (doing half of the journey on two buses) thereby cutting out two lots of twenty minute walks.

I think I’ve done most of the Moving House stuff…

I’ve not done the admin I said I was going to do at home today, but there was excellent reason for it, and I have time tomorrow.

Only six more work days, then a fortnight off….

Soothing to the soul..

that was today’s activity of getting order restored to where there was none, seeing results, and feeling satisfied with the work.

Also soothing to my soul, for now, is the solitude when I return home. When I moved here, there was much angst on many people’s parts (and justified angst) that I would hide myself away, and turn into a recluse. That was based on the information known at the time, that I had a two day a week part time job, and no other concrete plans. What we didn’t allow for was the speed at which I would get busy with work, equivalent to a full five day working week… and it’s people intensive work, demanding work, enjoyable work, that leaves me very tired at the end of the working day, and not fit for socialising afterwards. It will get easier with time, as I get used to the work that is most tiring, and as I resurrect my skills that are a bit rusty, but for now, I’m very tired.

I’m also re-learning my own boundaries. And, the solitude is helping that. For years now, my life has been lived in a pretty public arena, with many people being part of my every day life. It’s been my choice to live that way, but the cost has been high. For now, I’m finding I don’t want to let many people into my personal space, I’m not wanting wanting my privacy invaded without prior arrangement unless it’s someone I know well, and I’m not wanting everyone’s opinion on how I should be organising my life. (I could write a book on the amount of supposedly helpful advice I’ve had lately – 99.9% unwanted, unasked for, or previously thought of, considered and rejected.)

The biggest change of all, for now, is going to be the virtually complete step-back from church I’m about to do. I’ve been an active member of whatever church I’ve gone to for all my adult life… and it’s currently too much. I just can’t do it. It’s the place where my old way of life and my newly emerging life are clashing so badly, and I can’t be the person people knew any more because the barriers I put up to protect myself then, more than four years ago, have well and truly tumbled down, and I’ve no intention of resurrecting them. I feel bad if I say “no” to requests to do things, be it play or read, and the reactions I’m getting are making me crabby and defensive…

It’s also very tiring being on the receiving end of all this angst on my behalf… maybe I should have gone for the moving a long way away option in the first place.

Rebelling…

My legs are. I’ve made them work too hard this week, and they is achy. Hot, hot bath later, and maybe only an hour or so in the new boots tomorrow, before needing to wear them for work.

So is my bookseller’s soul rebelling. I’ve not done it for two years, and on my return today, the queries were exactly the same. “No, I’m really, really sorry, you can’t get a Large Print leather bound KJV Bible in a small enough size to fit in your handbag for church on Sunday.”

My introverted nature is also rebelling! I’m a pretty sociable soul, and can be very gregarious in company when I have to be, but I also need plenty of time alone, and slightly more than I’m currently getting. Hopefully, after Christmas, that balance will be restored. It’s why I’m so adamant I want to live on my own for now.

And, so it the bit of me that struggles with being cared for. I am truly grateful for all those who are caring, but there’s beginning to be those who are drifting over the line from caring to interfering, and I don’t take that well.

Then, I’m rebelling about church tomorrow. It’s Harvest. Which I dislike (and I’m avoiding the Harvest Supper, too!) I’m in desperate need of sleep, and taking a bit of stock of where things are going. It’s also a significant date, and for the first time in a long, long time, I won’t be joining in liturgies and events to celebrate.

So, once this evening’s visitor has been and gone, I am shutting and bolting the doors, I will do what ever I need to to, except any work of any description.

it was bound to happen

Should I have given any impression of being some kind of Biblical scholar, who knows exactly where to looking things up.. I apologise for misleading you. I just happen to have occasional moments of remembering where to look for things, and for all other moments, if I can remember key words, Biblegateway or Oremus (depending on your preferred version…) make me look much cleverer than I really am.

I am, like Tractor Girl, pondering how much easier some of the current stuff would be if the world were a simpler place! I am also grateful that uncertain as much of my life is, it could all so easily be so much worse, and that most of the uncertainties are not of my making, though there are things I possibly could’ve done to eradicate some of them a while ago.

I think I’m also letting some of the stuff that’s been seriously bottled up for a very, very long time out… and it’s hard work. I’m not regretting how I’ve done the last year or more at all, there have been far more people than me to consider, but the cost to me is only just beginning to be reckoned, and it’s huge. Some I knew, and some is only just beginning to be realised.

But, as I’ve been holed up stewing over this all morning, I’m taking myself off for a long walk! Part Two will follow…

Góðan dag

Góðan dag to my visitor from Iceland. I have had a fascinating time reading about the Icelandic language as I looked for an appropriate greeting.

Though, I have spent most of the afternoon in sleep mode rather than looking for Icelandic greetings. Church is going to be somewhat difficult for the next few weeks, and I was grateful I was the organist this morning, and thus thoroughly occupied.

Thing is, the next few weeks are just going to have to be got through, and I can’t make it any easier for people who don’t understand why I’m moving away, when I should’ve been here for another few years yet. I can’t do any more than explain what it’s not about… especially when I can’t say what I’m moving to, because I don’t know yet. Especially when I can’t commit to anything other than a job that keeps body and soul together, and a roof over my head. There’s so much I can’t do for the next year….But, at the moment, there are still three possible options that may yield the right job and place for now!! I’d quite like one of them to become clear, sooner rather than later.

I think reaction set in about an hour ago! I’ve been cool, calm and collected publicly for days now, telling people, dealing patiently with questions, and e-mails, assuring lots of people “It’s not your fault.”

But today… I don’t want to be keeping that front up right now, and have retreated back into my corner.

Despite an interesting invitation,

it seemed best to see today’s self-imposed task of cleaning, in places in the abode that don’t often get cleaned, through to the bitter end. Sorry, Kerensa, the shredder and I would have much prefered an exciting outing!

Lessons learnt today include counting the steps on the step ladder on the ascent, before doing the descent. Bruised sole of right foot has been the consequence of failing to learn that lesson, and a previous un-learned lesson… When a step ladder is to be climbed, sturdy footwear is advisable.

Replies to letters sent three weeks ago have now all come in.