The conclusion is…

Number Two Job has become Number One Job.

Number One Job will fit in and around Number Two Job.

Application for what would’ve been my dream job, had the originally advertised hours stood, has been withdrawn.

For tonight, I’m allowing myself to be upset that my hopes were raised, and smashed, and angry that it’s supposedly OK to do this, but from tomorrow, I’m putting it behind me. I will throw myself into the new work at hand, knowing that whilst it’s not the job I wanted, it is a job I enjoy, which is worthwhile and makes a huge difference to those I work with.

How unexpected

but I really ought to know God has numerous surprises up his sleeve.

I’ve been fighting an internal battle with myself about church lately. Actually, I’ve also been fighting with myself and God all through every church service I’ve been to for about six months. So, a month or so ago, I stopped going to church. Sort of accidentally on purpose. I kept intending to go, but never got there.  I spent all of Sunday “oversleeping” or “forgetting” what time the service was. Or saying to myself “I’ll try somewhere else.” and discovering the somewhere else was doing something that would just make matters worse. Or excusing myself on the grounds my work patterns had changed, and I was too tired…. This didn’t stop the battle!! I’ve just been spending all of Sundays vaguely at odds with life and the universe and God and myself.

What’s with the “vaguely” description? I’ve been hating Sundays without church, but not knowing what to do about it. I’ve also not been keeping to any kind of prayer routine, or Bible reading, in the week either.

Strangely, several things this week have given me the kicks I needed! The first was a funeral I attended at the beginning of the week of an eighteen year old. I didn’t know him, but I knew his friends, through my work, and promised I would go with them to support them. The second, third and fourth kicks were all work related, too. But, they all had in common the thread of reminding me God doesn’t want me to be anything other than myself , to live my life in the way that works for me, and to do my work in any other way than the Japes way, and that the foundation of that life is my relationship with God.

But – that foundation needs care, nurture, and checking up on. Neglecting it Will Not Do!!

I did not, however, expect an early morning said communion service, (from the Book of Common Prayer of 1662 – Church of England) to provide me with a deep sense of peace, and coming home to God again, in such a strong way. I think, for now, I have found my place to do that care and nurture, and when I’m feeling stronger again, I can make my way back to the main services, with a sense of willingness to get involved in the life of the church again, rather than the sense of deep unwillingness I’ve been living with.

For, I think, what the big, big, big battle has mostly been about has been the sense of being involved for many years, but running on empty for so long, yet feeling bad if I wasn’t volunteering to do various things, or playing for the services, or being on committees, or doing things just because I could.

But a quiet early morning service, then coming home to read, reflect, and write – and more importantly, spending Sunday enjoying it sounds a pretty good idea for now.

Rearranging Furniture

and I am now only fit for bath, supper, and sleep!

In my new bedroom.

The upstairs of my little house is unusual. To get to the bathroom, you have to go through what was described to me as the second bedroom. The main bedroom is the only room in the house it’s possible to close the door on, and not have visitors see it, as you come straight from street to front room, straight through to the kitchen, and up the stairs which lead off the kitchen  to the upstairs rooms.

There is a little outhouse kind of offshoot from the kitchen, which houses a toilet, and a little area for a washing machine, and the gardening equipment. (Um, best we don’t discuss the fact I now have a garden, and gardening equipment, and no clue whatsoever.) Oh, and the recycling boxes and rubbish bags. I really should get the council to bring me a wheelie bin.

Anyway, when I moved in I dutifully put myself into the main bedroom for sleeping purposes, and made the second bedroom a study space. Now I don’t have to keep everything I possess in one room, my bedroom became the tidiest room in the house! The living room isn’t bad, to be fair, and I’ve always been clean if not that tidy in a kitchen, but my work-type space…. oh dear. And, it’s way too cold to expect visitors to go to what in effect is an outside toilet!

So, in between dealing with the toughest week ever at work, and my growing dissatisfaction with the room I was sleeping in, and the lack of tidiness in the places people could see, it occurred to me that I didn’t actually mind people walking through my tidy bedroom to get to the bathroom, but I was minding them walking through a seriously messy work area. Which wasn’t actually working as a work area either.

So, today I’ve moved everything work and music related into the main bedroom, and created a more conducive working space.  Means I can have my keyboard out more of the time, too.  I’ve left the wardrobe in that room, mostly because I couldn’t face moving it, then probably moving it back because I couldn’t get it through to my new bedroom.

If I have overnight visitors, I will still put them in the second bedroom, and move myself back into the main bedroom! Mostly so they can have better access to the bathroom, and I am less likely to fall down the stairs in the middle of the night on my way to the other toilet than a visitor is. But also because I don’t see why I should inflict my mess on anyone but me.

So, I’m going to make my supper and eat, pack my work bag, have a bath and go to bed!! Cos, I’m very tired now.

Yet another nap

I was going to get so much done yesterday, and the evening before, and be all caught up with myself. But, the main physical causes of my underlying grotty feeling, leading to the tears, temper and tantrums became apparent over-night, and a double whammy of unwellness materialised. (I knew it wasn’t just frustration at the broadband stuff)

So, I am lying on the sofa, awaiting the arrival of supplies, and the last of my boxes!! I’ve not had my possessions all in one place for months now, and despite feeling grotty, this has cheered me up.

I am also aware of another cause of grottiness, more emotional this time. Some of it I’ve dealt with – on the grounds I might not be feeling well, but it did only take three phone calls to get the ball rolling, and it’s a major weight off my mind! The other related bit will have to wait until next week.

The rest of it is more down to a deep, deep stubbornness within me about admitting I might need some help. Or even that I even have needs that are not wants!! Somewhere along the line I’ve retreated far, far into an isolated  place I’d almost forgotten about…mainly because I’ve not been there for so long! But, by phoning in sick, (and if I hadn’t been so tired as well as feeling well and truly kicked in the stomach, I would’ve gone to work) and then by tackling the calls I’d been dreading doing, I’ve gone quite a way down the line to reminding myself it is perfectly OK to ask for help, and I’m not being a pest or a nuisance.

I am frustrated that various things haven’t happened by now, and frustrated that I’ve had to do some things I really hadn’t wanted to. I still haven’t any clue of how the next phase of my life is going to shape out… which isn’t altogether surprising as Plan A was totally kicked off the field and out of sight, then unexpectedly kicked back into play again, and is tantalisingly possible still, but not certain. Until it’s been 100% kicked into touch, I don’t think I’m going to settle into looking for Plan B.

I’m not sure if it’s worse than the uncertainty I lived with in my early 20s. Plan A for my life really went for a burton, though never quite left me, as I’ve worked in the same field whenever I’ve had paid work, just not in the role for which I originally trained – but know I’m not cut out to do, either then, or now. What I then did for the next twenty years wasn’t supposed to come to an end the way it did, but it has. I don’t regret the huge change my life is undergoing, but dealing with the consequences is exhausting.

Or, maybe the cutting myself off from everyone, and pretending I’m fine, and all is well when it’s not and I’m not is the exhausting bit. Or the going round and round in circles trying to get life on a more even keel is exhausting.

Strangely, I was really looking forwards to seeing more of friends over this year or so, and it just hasn’t happened.

It is time for another nap…

Triggers

“So, what are the triggers….?”

I got asked this the other week, when I was trying to explain the erratic ups and downs of my emotions at the moment, but I dodged the question a bit at the time, saying there were too many different things, and it could all seem a bit something and nothing!

It’s stayed with me as something to think about, because what I said seemed true at the time, but didn’t satisfy either me or my questioner!

Today’s trigger was one I’ve blogged about before, and I knew even before we got to it, as I’m currently going to a church that is using a hymnbook I know extremely well. To the point of knowing the numbers of hymns I know best, and have used in Car Number Plate Hymn Singing Contests. (Which only works with old cars with two and three digit numbers on the UK registration plates – the current system doesn’t work well, though will we go to three digits now were in year 10? I digress…). I am resigned to music in church doing me in on a regular basis for now, unless I’m playing.

Friday’s triggers, though I covered it up until I got home from work, were odder. One was being mocked for having two back-packs, and how could I possible use two when I only have one back? I’m beginning to get very annoyed about the mocking from this source, as it’s someone I’ve listened to a lot, especially when she is feeling misunderstood for doing something she considers perfectly normal, but other people don’t. I was also thrown by a complete change of timetabling for Job Number Two. I’m sure it’ll be OK, and it is more hours, but it’s unsettling. I was very professional and calm as I was told about it, but reacted when I got home. I know why the changes are being implemented, and they are being done on a logical basis… this is re-enforcing to me that this is not a world I can work in longer than this year.

Yesterday’s trigger shook me up more than I really realised. I’ve made a bit of a joke of it, but the fact remains I was quite shaken and totally adamant that I was finishing my self-appointed task of cleaning behind the bookshelves at Job Number Three so no-one else had to find anything like this. I was rescuing books and stock that had fallen behind them, (easily done, not usually deliberate) or rubbish, items that had been deliberately placed there that were not of the shop stock, and came across this one item of a nasty, obscene kind that I didn’t want to see, or let my colleagues see, let alone any customer in the shop. I came home and immediately had a bath, once I’d destroyed that which I’d found.

I think if I had to sum up the triggers over the last few months, they come into four main categories.

• Reminders of significant events or people.
• Changes of routine outside my control.
• Invasion of privacy and personal space.
• Anything totally unexpected!!

But, and it’s a significant but, not all instances of these send me off into a emotional downward spiral, and I am hopeful this is all temporary!!

Is there a patron saint of plumbing?

Because I need to invoke whoever it is to keep guard over my boiler, and my outside pipes until this cold spell is over, as I want no more boiler dramas, definitely not another frozen pipe, and no more Nice Men traipsing through the house at regular intervals. (Well…. OK, I’m open to negotiation on that latter point, depending on the Nice Man.) Especially when I’ve just washed the floors.

On the other hand, I have now been properly introduced to my youngest next door neighbour, and he is a most charming young man.

However, it wasn’t how I intended spending most today at all, and I’m now going to have to work out how to fit the rest of the work that I should’ve been doing into the odd few hours I get to myself next week!!

Luckily, the main event of the day took place as planned, and all was well. I said what needed to be said, mostly (I remembered two bits I missed after, but decided I’d probably said more than enough for now – especially as it was difficult stuff to say anyway), and was heard. I need to leave that stuff now, and trust it will be dealt with.

I think I will sleep well tonight…

Trudging

That’s what I’ve been doing all of today! Trudging along in my heavy boots (slow, but I got to my destinations, and I stayed upright!) trudging along through a dull day’s work, trudging home what was supposed to be a quicker way. And trudging through the pile of forms and collecting official bits of paper together for a trudge to hand them all in tomorrow.

But there have been some non-trudgy bits of today! I’ve had the necessary conversations with the all the necessary people today, and all concerned now accept I am job hunting for one, full time job. We are all in agreement that whilst we’ve all tried to make this complex arrangement of two part time jobs in the same work place make up one full time job, it just isn’t going to happen.

Tomorrow won’t involve a lot of trudging, or at least I hope it won’t!! It will involve a lot of talking, and sorting out, and hopefully some further clarity.

What did you get for Christmas?

Was the opening line of Sunday’s sermon… and I nearly threw my hymn book at the preacher for total lack of originality! Which would not have been very well behaved of me on a first Sunday at a likely new church. (It is likely to be where I go most Sundays, mostly because it’s within easy walking distance, but I will test out one or two others before making my mind up.)

However, I did ponder today that I got far more for Christmas than the two presents I opened when I returned after Midnight Mass.

I’m feeling more and more like myself as time goes by, and less and less inclined to be anything other than that!!

I’ve working out who my genuine friends are, and there’s been a surprise or two, but mostly not.

I’ve got a dear little home, and home it is indeed becoming.

I’ve still not got a clue what the future holds, and what I’m doing in the way of paid work, which gets more of a conundrum every day at the moment, but I have New Plans!!

How very peculiar…

I got some news about work yesterday that I was pretty stunned by, though not entirely surprised about. It does put huge question marks over any long term employment in a field I was hoping I could move into….

But, after feeling really stunned all day, and coming home emotionally drained at all we’d been dealing with and the mere thought of having to deal with job hunting again, I find myself today feeling quite liberated, and even cheerful about the prospect of having a rethink. (Just remind me about this when I’m be-wailing my lot in life in a few weeks time, and when the travelling to the work I thought I could stop at the end of term is continuing….)

I also did The Right and Generous Thing by someone who has caused me a lot of stress and difficulty in the last few weeks, and feel a lot better about that situation, too. I know I’ve done my best to put it right, I can’t make anyone else see my point of view, but I’ve stated it clearly, I will be making an official complaint to the correct person to deal with the fall out, and after that it’s not mine to fret about.

This could also be that I will be moving to my own little home, all by myself, for the first time ever, and I’m getting very excited.

Calm, patience, coolness of temper…

are going to be required in vast quantities over the next few weeks! I think I can cautiously be certain I am going to stay put for at least the next year, and probably more.

But… we have to get through the moving process first. I say “we” because I’m renting a dear little house from someone who I know through church, and it’s become a whole church project. I am assured that this is the case every time there’s a new tenant in this house, but for numerous reasons, because there has been some more major work done this time, and what with One Thing and Another, it seems to have caused far more stress than the last time I remember this happening

I’m genuinely pleased with this agreement, and really like the house. It’s quirky, Japes-friendly, and incredibly well placed for loads of things – transport, shopping, but just off the beaten track enough to be relatively quiet. It is very basic – and I’m content with that. I will use the kitchen utensils that are there to start with, and as I can afford it will gradually put them away and use my own. (You have no idea how excited about that I am getting!)

However, I can see if you are someone who is relatively house proud, and likes everything to be just so, it’s so not good. It probably wouldn’t meet any letting agency standards, and it certainly is stressing the person sorting out the practical details of it. I’ve spent much time today reassuring her it’s really, really OK.

For me, this represents a massive, massive step towards completely implementing the Big Decision I’ve been either thinking about, or sorting out for what is seeming like forever and several days now. Whilst completion can’t happen for a few more months yet, it’s so nearly there. I’ve not regretted the baby steps I’ve made towards it over the last four months or so, the staying with friends, then this temporary address, but I am so looking forwards to being in my own home properly.