I have given up the various fights

and finally admitted my parish church is not where I want to be every Sunday. There is nothing wrong with it at all, in fact, I would recommend it if  it’s the kind of church you’re looking for, but I just didn’t want to be there. I didn’t feel any sense of being able to fit in there, or being a part of it after a couple of months. It took two months for anyone to even ask my name.

So, as I’d had a conversation about playing somewhere on a regular, but not every week basis, I went there to suss it out… and immediately felt comfortable.

Given the job situation, which I thought was about to be resolved has gone base over apex again,  this could be very welcome as a small form of income, as well as a good church!!

I am utterly furious that a job for which I’ve applied and handed in a completed application form, actually doesn’t exist, as it should’ve been advertised as two smaller part time jobs, not one almost full time job – investigations are under way as to what went wrong, but I’m beginning to wonder if I really do want to work in this environment after all. Or if God is trying to tell me something!

How unexpected

but I really ought to know God has numerous surprises up his sleeve.

I’ve been fighting an internal battle with myself about church lately. Actually, I’ve also been fighting with myself and God all through every church service I’ve been to for about six months. So, a month or so ago, I stopped going to church. Sort of accidentally on purpose. I kept intending to go, but never got there.  I spent all of Sunday “oversleeping” or “forgetting” what time the service was. Or saying to myself “I’ll try somewhere else.” and discovering the somewhere else was doing something that would just make matters worse. Or excusing myself on the grounds my work patterns had changed, and I was too tired…. This didn’t stop the battle!! I’ve just been spending all of Sundays vaguely at odds with life and the universe and God and myself.

What’s with the “vaguely” description? I’ve been hating Sundays without church, but not knowing what to do about it. I’ve also not been keeping to any kind of prayer routine, or Bible reading, in the week either.

Strangely, several things this week have given me the kicks I needed! The first was a funeral I attended at the beginning of the week of an eighteen year old. I didn’t know him, but I knew his friends, through my work, and promised I would go with them to support them. The second, third and fourth kicks were all work related, too. But, they all had in common the thread of reminding me God doesn’t want me to be anything other than myself , to live my life in the way that works for me, and to do my work in any other way than the Japes way, and that the foundation of that life is my relationship with God.

But – that foundation needs care, nurture, and checking up on. Neglecting it Will Not Do!!

I did not, however, expect an early morning said communion service, (from the Book of Common Prayer of 1662 – Church of England) to provide me with a deep sense of peace, and coming home to God again, in such a strong way. I think, for now, I have found my place to do that care and nurture, and when I’m feeling stronger again, I can make my way back to the main services, with a sense of willingness to get involved in the life of the church again, rather than the sense of deep unwillingness I’ve been living with.

For, I think, what the big, big, big battle has mostly been about has been the sense of being involved for many years, but running on empty for so long, yet feeling bad if I wasn’t volunteering to do various things, or playing for the services, or being on committees, or doing things just because I could.

But a quiet early morning service, then coming home to read, reflect, and write – and more importantly, spending Sunday enjoying it sounds a pretty good idea for now.

What did you get for Christmas?

Was the opening line of Sunday’s sermon… and I nearly threw my hymn book at the preacher for total lack of originality! Which would not have been very well behaved of me on a first Sunday at a likely new church. (It is likely to be where I go most Sundays, mostly because it’s within easy walking distance, but I will test out one or two others before making my mind up.)

However, I did ponder today that I got far more for Christmas than the two presents I opened when I returned after Midnight Mass.

I’m feeling more and more like myself as time goes by, and less and less inclined to be anything other than that!!

I’ve working out who my genuine friends are, and there’s been a surprise or two, but mostly not.

I’ve got a dear little home, and home it is indeed becoming.

I’ve still not got a clue what the future holds, and what I’m doing in the way of paid work, which gets more of a conundrum every day at the moment, but I have New Plans!!

Church and Music

Organ playing is going to be interesting tomorrow. Right Knee has turned several interesting shades of purple, and has the kind of large scab developing that is going to be irresistible for picking purposes in a few days time. Moreover, Right Knee currently does not like being used for its main function of bending the leg. This makes things like sitting with feet neatly on the floor, the process of standing up, and playing the pedal board of the organ somewhat interesting!

I can also envisage the getting on to the organ stool process being even more entertaining than usual. It’s a high stool, especially for someone who is short of stature, and somewhat rotund. It’s achieved with the aid of another chair next to the stool for balancing purposes. I can only be grateful that I normally do the process of getting on and off the stool at moments during the service when most people are occupied with other matters! And that wearing jeans to this church is perfectly acceptable.

I am, however, weakening on a weekly basis in my resolve to find a new church! I do have good reasons for needing to do this…and one in particular. My failure is partly because this particular church is such a good one for me, for now. Partly because my main reason is incomprehensible to anyone but me, and God, (and even God seems to be on everyone else’s side at the moment in this matter) and the main reason I’m giving seems to most people (which isn’t my main reason) not a particularly good one at all. However, I am genuinely not keen to spend significant chunks of Sundays hanging around for buses, if there’s a reasonable church closer at hand. It would also be good for me to be going to church and not either playing, or reading, or intercessing, or helping on any rota, or being anyone other than me for a little while. Trouble is, at this time of year, I find it hard to say no to requests to play, especially when I know the church, and how hard it can be to get anyone to play for Midnight.

This all needs rethinking in the New Year!

Now where was I?

Oh yes, I was going to shut and bolt the door on the world for a day or so, once my expected visitor had gone.

Shame about the unexpected one, who will not be allowed into the house again, … dealing with the aftermath of that has taken most of my emotional energy this week, in between realising I am really very, very tired (or I would have handled Unexpected Visitor much better) and that reactions to all the changes have set in a bit.

I’m also going to start looking for a church to go to for when I move on.

That hasn’t happened for a long, long while

But, it did in church this morning. I couldn’t sing the last hymn for the tears…

It’s rare for me to cry in front of other people anyway, and even rarer in church, as I go into professional musician mode when I feel tears coming on, even if, as at the moment, I am in the congregation. (For now, I’m a content occasional musician.) So when tears actually happen it shakes me up quite a bit. I had to go home to collect something I’d forgotten, so had a chance to recover my equilibrium before joining the coffee queue.

I do know it needed to happen today. Only I knew about it at the time, apart from the two people I told (or the people near me who may have heard me stop singing). It probably also happened as a cumulative thing all through the service, as if I’d been choosing a Significant Hymn/Song List of the last twenty years, most of the songs we sang this morning had meaning for me attached to them.

For curious minds, from the selection we sang, or had played during communion, or before the service, the ones that would be on my Significant Hymn/Song List included

• “At the name of Jesus” (to my preferred tune)
• “Lord, I come to you, let my heart be changed, renewed”
• “The Servant King”
• “All I once held dear ”
• “Be still, for the presence of the Lord”
• “In Christ Alone”
• “I, the Lord of sea and sky”

Now, anyone of those on their own could well have done it, but the one that finished me off and left me tearful and shaky was “I, the Lord of sea and sky”, especially the chorus.

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

It just has so many memories attached to it, of youth occasions, of a funeral, of schools singing it, but specifically of a commitment I’d made that I just didn’t ever envisage disentangling myself from. Only the fact that it is becoming clearer by the day that God is leading me in a totally different direction, and has other purposes for my life has made me turn my life completely upside down.

Mostly, over the last few weeks, I’ve been very calm and relaxed about the decision, but, sometimes, it hurts. Very much. Today, it did that. Especially being surrounded by lots of people who are getting to hear the story, and who’ve known me for a few years now. But, I didn’t run away from it all, or tried to ignore what I was feeling. It’ll only come back again and again if I do both those things, tempting as it is to continue the seeming to be calm and relaxed. There are times for that, and professionalism. This isn’t one of them.

It’ll be OK in a while, though!

Just a city person, really!

I’m back in a larger city, and feel so much more alive again.

Or was that to do with the really enthusiastic “Welcome back” I got at church yesterday, despite the fact I kept reiterating it is really only for three months?

Or the fact both job and accommodation prospects are looking immediately much more like coming together in time for the end of this three months already!!

The last six/seven weeks have been excellent as a kind of buffer zone between what I’ve been doing for the last twenty years or more, and the here and now, and a good place to start sorting my life out, but now is also the right time to be moving on.

So, I’m off to sort out my months bus ticket, buy work T-shirts and get them embroidered, return a cheque book, deliver some post, introduce myself properly to someone who’s only met me once in a whirling dervish moment during a children’s holiday club session but who’s going to see more of me over the next few months, re-activate my library ticket, and wonder if I’ve really broken the washing machine already!

Oh, and ignore the piles of cardboard boxes! I’ll go through them slowly and properly another day… I’ve unpacked clothes and music books and CDs, what more do I need?

It’s all go!! Yippee!!

A Tale of Two Churches

Immediate future being as sorted as it can be until me and my boxes have migrated south a bit to their temporary abode, extreme tiredness levels having subsided, and yesterday’s sanity restoring tactics having worked, I am feeling much, much calmer again.

After all the shenanigans of the previous ten days, I’d got way over peopled, way over-tired, and convinced Plan A (considerably revised) was a Bad Idea. By Sunday morning, I had worked myself up into a fine state of “Arrgghh – it’s all going to go horribly wrong, I’m doing the wrong thing, I’ll never get sorted. Why did I think I could do this…. etc.” In fact, after first church commitment of the morning was over, I felt considerable even more wound up to High Doh and Beyond. I hate being at High Doh and Beyond pitch.. I’m not nice to know.

So, um, I announced I needed to go off for the day to do some fine tuning of a few ideas with someone. I just didn’t elaborate…

This was a better idea than I realised, because Second Church commitment of the day didn’t help at all. No one quite knows what to do or say to me, and the levels of bemusement are very high, so it’s an uncomfortable place to be. It’s somewhere where I’m doing what I have to to get by, but that’s all. So, I came home only to change clothes and leave music behind, and headed for the train to the Bigger City as soon as I could.

After a meander about, and a catch up with a friend I’ve not seen for nearly a year, I decided a slow walk back towards the train, via the evening service at the church I used to go to would be nice. Third time lucky?

It was.

Did I really do all that?

It would appear so.

I have, in the last ten days or so,

• attended three ordinations
• attended one First Eucharist
• played for three end of term assemblies
• played for a Special Service at church
• ended one part time job
• gone to a conference
• made a few practical decisions
• travelled an awful lot of miles by train and car
• slept in four different beds
• helped an office move to begin to take place
• been re-introduced to TV watching (it’s a long story…)
• seen my old secondary school in it’s new format.
• realised I’m very, very, very tired
• and all talked out.
• Not Killed the Plants.

Breathes a huge sigh of relief

It’s raining.

This means I do not have to worry about the plants, currently my incredibly reluctant responsibility, dying from lack of water in my absence. Mind you, if they’ve picked up the vibes as I’ve been stomping around twice daily wielding the watering cans, they’d've shrivelled up and died days ago.

It’s also marginally cooler. Though, now I’ve found the fan, it’s still rather nice to have it on!

I am also almost through with all my current responsibilities work-wise. Four days next week, and that’s me done… until I find a Proper Job. Or some more regular combination of the musical things I can do that pay well, that work in with current part time job. There is much to commend carrying on with a mish-mash of part time things for the next year. But, never again, will I work in two different age ranges, across four different establishments, in two different education authorities, with differing term dates. Whilst I’ve enjoyed the very different kinds of work I’ve done, and it has contributed highly to the Keep Japes Sane Campaign, there have been occasional real clashes that have caused me and other people considerable stress. This week being possibly the worst week of all.

Now, to some more ironing, and packing, and away to the Big, Big City for some whirlwind event attending, and possibly socialising.