Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
I have been bad-tempered ever since I returned home yesterday, and it’s only just begun to wear off. I haven’t dared do much more painting or decorating for fear of doing such a bad job that I’d have to re-do it when calmer. For starters, I was deeply annoyed to discover a huge chuck of wallpaper has detached itself from the wall in the most awkward place, but not completely, and had been getting cross with the whole stairwell painting anyway. It’s also got to a really bitty lot of things to do, and ideally I need to gloss the woodwork in the room I’ve just finished painting, move as much stuff as I can into that room, then go mad and do the other three rooms, and stairwell all in one go!
Then, I was philosophically (well, as philosophically as is possible when in the kind of strop I’ve been in) blaming my hormones, and currently just try to ride it out by repeating to myself it’s only a short time… but it’s inconvenient, because if I’m that hormonal, doing heavy work is not a good plan.
But, no, on calmer reflection, I think it’s all really a combination of seeing what damage was done in Birmingham City Centre yesterday, knowing the area where the three young men were killed really well, and a friend who “treated” me to her opinions as to what should now be done and who is to blame (for the rioting/disorder/looting as a whole!). I left her feeling really shaky, and wishing I’d not called round. And additionally, there are some old, old sore spots rubbed the wrong way…left me feeling very un-peaceful. Or rather, it’s torn away the veneer of calm, and exposed exactly what it is that’s been bothering me that I couldn’t or wouldn’t name.
There’s a peace vigil going to be held in the park near to where the young men died. I’ll be going. I’ve deliberately not set foot in that park since moving back to this city. I have few happy memories of the time I lived near there, but not only do I need to do something to mark what an awful week this has been for so many, I need to make my peace with some of my own past in that area, and my own teenage years.
At some point, I also need to go back to at least three churches and make my peace there. For, until I do, I will never settle in another one.