Monthly Archives: January 2011

All change, please, and mind the gap

Ooops…

It’s been a week of revelations!!

“You are so mischievous!” one work colleague said in very giggly, but also outraged tones after a particularly silly half an hour in the office. “This is news?” I queried. Apparently so, according to the other ten people who’d also had hysterics at the time. Annoyingly, I’ve actually no idea what I’d said to cause the mass hysteria.. but I do know I’d been really annoyed at the situation that had been building up over that half an hour, and had, very unusually, let my feelings slip into a series of very flippant comments.

I have got to the end of a working week not totally exhausted. That the difference in so short a time is so apparent is confirmation that resigning from that role may be financially stupid at the moment, but was so right to have done.

I think it’s less that I am changing, more that I am emerging!! There have been so many ways that masks have been maintained, barriers erected and kept firmly in place, various self-protection techniques employed, and all of these are finally wearing away or refusing to co-operate with each other any more. A little scary, to say the least..especially in the bit of time when I thought I was going to be stuck in the really uncomfortable phase where it felt like my stroppy, sulky, self-centred teenage self had decided to take up permanent residence again… . but I think I’m confident enough to stop hiding and start getting out there (where ever there is) again.

My poor work colleagues may be in for some more shocks….

Stress reduction

(First off, thank you lovely Mr Wibsite, for getting me up and blogging again! Much appreciated.)

Now, where was I? Oh yes, we were in the middle of yet another work-related drama. Which took another unexpected turn, and finally had me concluding enough was enough. So, I’ve worked my last day in the smaller role, (one day a week, casual) will give myself a few weeks with just the main role (four days – three on a permanent contract, one casual ) and them pick up either another day’s work there, or look for a two day job elsewhere. Confused? I’m not! I am so relieved it’s all looking so much simpler again.

So, four day weeks for a month, in the hopes it will also help the exhaustion, and erratic sleeping, and review it after that. I might even get all those words written!!

Get a life..

My New Year’s resolution.

It’s been the strangest few weeks.  I’d spent Christmas/New Year raging against the Whole World, feeling completely isolated, and unable to do anything – talk to anyone, face anyone, write much. I was as tired at the end of the day as at the beginning, though I’d managed to drag myself into action on a couple of fronts, but basically spent the time in a deep fog of  “Why am I bothering ?” and almost total inertia.  [I know – raging and being in a fog and almost total inertia don’t sound as if they should go together, but in Japes’ world, they do!] To the point of worrying myself enough to wonder if a trip to the doctor might not be a  bad idea.

Last Tuesday morning was back to work morning. I’d calmed down enough to be rational in the conversations I needed to have, and had my tattered, but just about workable professional mode wrapped around me.

I found myself completely thrown by the news that morning on the Ship of Fools, I never usually log on before work, so what made me do so is beyond me – other than it gave me a sense of perspective back, along with a resolve I was taking no more crap, I wasn’t the only one who needed this ridiculous way of getting paid sorted.

It took until yesterday to get a definitive answer on the work front. It’s satisfactory for now, but not a long term solution. Satisfactory enough for me to remain in the job for the rest of the academic year. Not satisfactory enough to make me want to remain in this type of work and with a long commute for longer than that! I’ve done the commuting for a year or more longer than I wanted, anyway. It’s too much, both financially and physically. Not only was I worried enough about how I didn’t bounce back during the holidays, as I normally do, but someone who knows me really well, who saw me at the lowest point in the whole process, earlier this week, was also threatening to march me off to the doctors, asked all kinds of awkward questions about whether or not I was eating properly (I am, before you also enquire!) sleeping properly, (um… well… OK…) and in short gave me the kind of lecture I’ve been known to give my students.

Several of whom I had a very memorable chat with this week! Which boiled down to the fact we recognised in the other similar ways of coping with the crap life throws at us. I was explaining I was being the bitch from hell in my private life at the moment, and saving all my niceness for work, as dumping all the nastiness on those I worked with just wasn’t on… but doing the same to my friends wasn’t on either, and so I was isolating myself, and making myself feel worse, and really struggling with how to get myself to break down the isolating barriers.  Well, the floodgates opened, (and they offered to come and beat up anyone who was hassling me… I declined, but was deeply touched by the offer as I  understood the spirit in which it was made!)  and I probably got more real work done with the lads in that hour than in the previous term.

I’m still really, really tired. I love the work I do, but the stress surrounding it is becoming too much. There are glimmers of hope though, and that will do for now.