Monthly Archives: October 2010

An ancient conundrum

The God and church stuff has been going through a major blip again… honestly, just when I thought it was on an even keel, at last, back it all went into roller-coaster mode. Which, as work proceeded to do exactly the same more or less at the same time, meant the Japes’ coping mechanism of hiding in a back corner, preferably under a duvet, activated with great speed.

So, I tried going to church only every two or three weeks, stopped saying the Morning Office before going to work, Compline before going to bed, stopped reading theology, stopped playing the piano and singing along to whatever I chose out of my 50+ hymnbook collection, only prayed in intercession for others.

I have finally realised it just isn’t going to work! Pah. God is devious… and has even produced a cast iron reason for me not to abandon the church I’ve been going to, for now at least. I even have company in my back corner, very unexpectedly.

I always seem to have a very fine balancing act constantly going in my life as to whether I find being with other people exhausting or energising, through all this last few weeks it’s been totally unbalanced to the exhausting end of the scale. Which then leads to a lonely, isolated, exhausted me, who has no time for the really important people or activities in my life, and basically is just not nice to know.

So, today, I have reconnected myself to my prayer routine, tomorrow, as well as the work list from hell… I need to re-connect to my life, as I need to live it. I may have to do some grovelling, and will probably get at least one justified telling off for isolating myself to no good purpose…

I’m glad I watched “Whale Rider” again last night – even if it made me cry!

More Redefining of Japes’ Life

It’s been a week away from work, at the end of a pretty exhausting seven weeks of new tasks, and what I really needed was a week’s sleep. So, what did I do? That’s right, go and help some friends with a major clearing out and packing and downsizing process, that was due to finish today. (I did from Monday until Friday.)

I helped fill two skips, (probably more like three, but some stuff vanished in the process… odd that.) loaded up a large van load¬† and large car load of items for recycling, was seen to be wandering with several lists attached to me, and praying fervently that the right stuff got to the right place, found some things that had remained hidden for more years than any of us want to think about, and helped eat up copious amounts of food!!! Meals were filling, but occasionally rather unusual.

It’s the end of many, many eras, for me, for my friends, for the locality in which they lived.

For me, I’m hopeful that the horridness of the last few weeks in my own life were mostly related to some unfinished stuff around all this process, which has taken a very long time … partly, it has to be acknowledged, through my own dragging my heels. I need not have done any of what I did, either this week or in August , but as I said then, a lot of emotional rubbish got put in the skip then, and even more went this time. It’s been a peculiarly Japes’ way of moving forwards.

It also meant that I had no energy for more than one shopping expedition today! I used it all up on the major restock of the larder and freezer.. a second trip, for t-shirts, socks and shoes was Foolish. I realised when I was losing the will to live in the third purveyor of t-shirts that persisting in this was going to end badly. I am grateful I was Domestic Goddess par excellence last weekend, and am very organised in the laundry and housework departments. Ah, apart from the Losing My Favourite Chopping Knife Episode in the black hole under the sink unit, (which is what prompted the second expedition, as I couldn’t get a replacement on the first trip).

So, I will be very lazy from now until 5.30 a.m. on Monday morning, and revive my soul with food of my choosing, gentle reading, pleasant music, and moving no further from the settee than other rooms in the house as required.

Resigned…

to so many things at the moment including ..

  • the return of church being a difficult place to be again.,
  • sheer exhaustion most of the time. But, this has been the first weekend I’ve managed to do something other than a little light housework, essential shopping, slob on the sofa, catch up on sleep and sheer resentment by 5.00 p.m. on Sunday Evening at how fast two days off have been going,
  • continuing uncertainty on so many fronts.

I am also resigned to having to do a course, at a level much lower than I am capable of doing, just to tick a few boxes. (though, quite how it ticks the “up-skilling” box is slightly beyond all of us. However, it’s not actually down-skilling.) I am in danger, however, of not passing it from lack of motivation! There may be more on this matter around February!

On the positive side, there have been some very funny moments at work over the last few weeks, including the Best Ever Guilty Conscience moment I’ve seen at work (and I work with teenagers….), my sticker for “Being Good and Sitting Nicely” from the nursery, the moment in A&E when I was heard to be telling a Shakespearean tale to a lad who didn’t know the story (which entertained the nurses as well). Oh, and walking into the Techies’ office with the most creative reason they’ve ever heard for requesting a new e-mail address, (normally impossible to get, which has also totally confirmed the view of those who work there that my second role department are completely bonkers)¬† – but it was worth it just for the looks they gave me, and the knowing smile from the one person who understood just why I was citing the Archbishop of Canterbury in the reason.

There have also been some moments of sheer God-incidences, where I’ve been in exactly the right place at the right time. I may have thought what I did all that particularly awful day was a complete waste of time and effort, but it was well and truly used to make a really difficult situation much easier. And, some of the stuff I did last year is also paying off.

Still, no-one ever promised this big decision stuff was ever going to be easy, and, on balance, it’s been easier than it might have been – and there is no way I would ever go back to where I was two/three years ago. When I remember that, all the rest is OK.

Brain ache

(Japes emerges from her month long mental lie down in a darkened corner, having hoped it would all go away and leave her alone. It didn’t, so a stern talking to was administered, and normal-ish service has been resumed.)

Oh me oh my, my poor, poor brain.

On the plus side,

  • My ancient O Level in Mathematics has been getting dusted down, and used again. Skills in geometry and trigonometry have been dragged out and re-used.
  • I know more about the internal combustion engine, braking and suspension systems than I did a week ago!
  • I am the proud possessor of a boiler suit, which has been suitably adapted for a Japes’ shape. (Or rather, will be by the end of this weekend, some sleeve adjustments are now needed in the light of a week’s experience!) It goes splendidly with the steel toe capped boots.
  • My inner 8 year old, who yearned to be an electrician or a motor mechanic or both has been getting very, very excited about the recent timetabling at work.
  • My inner 14 year old is shrieking, however, that Physics were given up pre-O Level for good reason.

On the negative side, there has been a lot of stress, and there is more to come.

This weekend, however, has been declared a lazy, do nothing two days.