The Room I Do Not Like and The Rearranging Thereof…

I think I’ve come up with some solutions for myself. It’s to do with work stuff being visible all the time – I seem to have an awful lot of work stuff at home.  I am needing some way of making it accessible, but invisible…at the moment it’s accessible and all too visible.

Anyway, for now it’s much tidier and is bothering me less than it was – and some of the solution might well be to utilise the one piece of furniture that is currently under-used. The sideboard.

I also need to be making the music book case for just that. Music. Then… after a year with little or no music in it, which is a first for me, (I looked at the music category of this blog – music scarcely gets a mention this year! Unlike other years.) moves are afoot to rectify that. Which has involved some seismic internal re-thinks.

Whilst I’ve been settling into a complete new way of life, all my energy has gone into work, the minutiae of daily living and dealing with the emotional consequences of my decisions… there’s been no energy left over even for the things I love doing or even the people I love being with! None what so ever. I don’t think I’ve ever been such a recluse, or so lacking in interest in things that formerly I loved doing.

Now I seem to have come up for air, and have begun to Get A Life again, the things I’ve put on hold this last year are beckoning to me again. Reading, writing, creative liturgy, music, and friends!

One of the worst bits of all the church difficulties I’ve been having has been the lack of even wanting to play or sing in a choir in church… in fact, the times I did just exacerbated the problem. But, then I got into an interesting (well, it is to me now) downward spiral of “If I don’t want to play in church, then I don’t deserve to be playing at all.” Mad, but true.

With a bit of perspective, what’s more accurate is that I’ve had little time to practice, (due to aforementioned Work and Daily Living and Lack of Energy for anything beyond those essentials) and I’ve not been playing at the church I call “mine”. It would appear when it comes to church, I don’t make a good jobbing musician. I need to play at my home church, or only occasionally somewhere else. Not be off every other Sunday elsewhere. Too frustrating on too many counts… especially when finding both church and music difficult! (It’s still not a good idea to go back to the church I used to go to,where I’ve done quite a lot of  occasional Sundays until recently, for complicated and new reasons.)

So, I’ve been playing again. But without putting the pressure on myself to be practising to be a useful musician. Just playing for the joy of it. Not pieces I’ve been able to play in the past, and not pieces that need a full size piano (as I only have a keyboard – but a good one) – they will have to wait until I can afford a piano again.

So, have I created a prayer space? Yes, I have.

Am I getting a social life back? Definitely.

Do I like That Room any more… possibly not, but I’m making friends with it!

4 thoughts on “The Room I Do Not Like and The Rearranging Thereof…

  1. As a mental health worker there is a danger of my never being off duty. It is for that reason that your description of the last year made me think ‘Mmm, sounds like depression.’ I apologise if this is an unhelpful or foolish thing to point out. Whatever the case, it sounds as though you are coming out of the dark place, which can only be a good thing. All the best on your continuing journey towards the light. 🙂

  2. You know, Dith, I almost added a paragraph to this saying “I know this sounds like depression, but it really hasn’t been.”

    There have been a huge number of changes in my life, and adapting to them has been exhausting, but not depressing. It’s been a difficult year for many things, and yes, there had been something of a bereavement process going on.

    I’m definitely coming out into a new place, now though!

  3. Wonderful to read of coming out to a new place, and that the joy of music has returned to you. I find it is amazing what seemingly small things can do… For me, heading off to learn Arabic for 2 hours on Monday night gives me a boost which carries me throughout the week; amazing to me such a relatively small thing can have such an impact.

    Continued prayers and love.

  4. I’m thinking of what might be that kind of boost… I definitely need something that’s not work or church, that I can just enjoy doing.

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