I think I’ve come up with some solutions for myself. It’s to do with work stuff being visible all the time – I seem to have an awful lot of work stuff at home. I am needing some way of making it accessible, but invisible…at the moment it’s accessible and all too visible.
Anyway, for now it’s much tidier and is bothering me less than it was – and some of the solution might well be to utilise the one piece of furniture that is currently under-used. The sideboard.
I also need to be making the music book case for just that. Music. Then… after a year with little or no music in it, which is a first for me, (I looked at the music category of this blog – music scarcely gets a mention this year! Unlike other years.) moves are afoot to rectify that. Which has involved some seismic internal re-thinks.
Whilst I’ve been settling into a complete new way of life, all my energy has gone into work, the minutiae of daily living and dealing with the emotional consequences of my decisions… there’s been no energy left over even for the things I love doing or even the people I love being with! None what so ever. I don’t think I’ve ever been such a recluse, or so lacking in interest in things that formerly I loved doing.
Now I seem to have come up for air, and have begun to Get A Life again, the things I’ve put on hold this last year are beckoning to me again. Reading, writing, creative liturgy, music, and friends!
One of the worst bits of all the church difficulties I’ve been having has been the lack of even wanting to play or sing in a choir in church… in fact, the times I did just exacerbated the problem. But, then I got into an interesting (well, it is to me now) downward spiral of “If I don’t want to play in church, then I don’t deserve to be playing at all.” Mad, but true.
With a bit of perspective, what’s more accurate is that I’ve had little time to practice, (due to aforementioned Work and Daily Living and Lack of Energy for anything beyond those essentials) and I’ve not been playing at the church I call “mine”. It would appear when it comes to church, I don’t make a good jobbing musician. I need to play at my home church, or only occasionally somewhere else. Not be off every other Sunday elsewhere. Too frustrating on too many counts… especially when finding both church and music difficult! (It’s still not a good idea to go back to the church I used to go to,where I’ve done quite a lot of occasional Sundays until recently, for complicated and new reasons.)
So, I’ve been playing again. But without putting the pressure on myself to be practising to be a useful musician. Just playing for the joy of it. Not pieces I’ve been able to play in the past, and not pieces that need a full size piano (as I only have a keyboard – but a good one) – they will have to wait until I can afford a piano again.
So, have I created a prayer space? Yes, I have.
Am I getting a social life back? Definitely.
Do I like That Room any more… possibly not, but I’m making friends with it!