but, I am about to scream very, very, very loudly.
Except, I’d probably wake up my youngest next door neighbour, (aged 1) which would not make me popular with his parents, as he’s not well at the moment. I’d also probably frighten the other neighbours, who are not used to noise from this direction.
So, in lieu of a good scream, I will see if I can explain myself.
I am on the verge of deciding to finish a friendship, because I am so, so tired of feeling I’ve got to talk more than I want to, and invariably feel uncomfortable with the level of questioning I get for almost every comment I make…
I’ve been keeping a pretty low profile for many reasons lately, but as soon as I poke my head above the parapet, this person seems to be there ready to pounce, to ask soulfully, and intensely, if I’m feeling OK, and to ask lots of deep and meaningful questions.. some of which I do answer, but others I feel are downright intrusive.
So, a few nights ago, it went something like…
I won’t be going to my church for the next few weeks, for good reasons, which I’d said as part of an answer to another question, so I was asked how I felt about it. I asked what feelings had to do with it.. (I really couldn’t see why I was being asked!) which brought down on my head a tirade of it didn’t speak well for the church I went to if I had no feelings about it. I’m now even more puzzled, as the church I go to is a perfectly good one, I’m just not involved other than turning up on Sundays and feast days, so genuinely don’t have any feelings about it. The fact I’m absenting myself for a few weeks doesn’t mean I’m not going to church – I’ll be playing the organ elsewhere. It’s an occupational hazard of being an organist without a regular organ stool to call one’s own. If someone needs an organist, I’ll respond to that need.
I don’t want to discuss my on-going inner battle about church with anyone other than the people I choose to, and it’s certainly not this person. We have a lot of different views about church, anyway, which don’t bother me, but she feels the need to debate it all to the nth degree. Unfortunately for her, I do not have that need, and what she may be seeing as showing love and concern, I am experiencing as uncomfortable, intrusive and interference. Any attempts at explaining my point of view generally brings on the wide-eyed, hurt “I was only trying to help” and “You’re misunderstanding me.” (I don’t think I am, in fact, I think I understand all too well what’s going on.)
It got worse over the weekend, with interrogations about a mutual friend, (which I utterly refused to engage with) and today’s final straw was an email that was blatant interference in something that is not anyone’s business but mine and one other person’s, and the matter is well and truly in hand.
So, at the very least, taking a big step backwards from this one is going to be necessary for my on-going sanity for the next few weeks.