Yet another nap

I was going to get so much done yesterday, and the evening before, and be all caught up with myself. But, the main physical causes of my underlying grotty feeling, leading to the tears, temper and tantrums became apparent over-night, and a double whammy of unwellness materialised. (I knew it wasn’t just frustration at the broadband stuff)

So, I am lying on the sofa, awaiting the arrival of supplies, and the last of my boxes!! I’ve not had my possessions all in one place for months now, and despite feeling grotty, this has cheered me up.

I am also aware of another cause of grottiness, more emotional this time. Some of it I’ve dealt with – on the grounds I might not be feeling well, but it did only take three phone calls to get the ball rolling, and it’s a major weight off my mind! The other related bit will have to wait until next week.

The rest of it is more down to a deep, deep stubbornness within me about admitting I might need some help. Or even that I even have needs that are not wants!! Somewhere along the line I’ve retreated far, far into an isolated  place I’d almost forgotten about…mainly because I’ve not been there for so long! But, by phoning in sick, (and if I hadn’t been so tired as well as feeling well and truly kicked in the stomach, I would’ve gone to work) and then by tackling the calls I’d been dreading doing, I’ve gone quite a way down the line to reminding myself it is perfectly OK to ask for help, and I’m not being a pest or a nuisance.

I am frustrated that various things haven’t happened by now, and frustrated that I’ve had to do some things I really hadn’t wanted to. I still haven’t any clue of how the next phase of my life is going to shape out… which isn’t altogether surprising as Plan A was totally kicked off the field and out of sight, then unexpectedly kicked back into play again, and is tantalisingly possible still, but not certain. Until it’s been 100% kicked into touch, I don’t think I’m going to settle into looking for Plan B.

I’m not sure if it’s worse than the uncertainty I lived with in my early 20s. Plan A for my life really went for a burton, though never quite left me, as I’ve worked in the same field whenever I’ve had paid work, just not in the role for which I originally trained – but know I’m not cut out to do, either then, or now. What I then did for the next twenty years wasn’t supposed to come to an end the way it did, but it has. I don’t regret the huge change my life is undergoing, but dealing with the consequences is exhausting.

Or, maybe the cutting myself off from everyone, and pretending I’m fine, and all is well when it’s not and I’m not is the exhausting bit. Or the going round and round in circles trying to get life on a more even keel is exhausting.

Strangely, I was really looking forwards to seeing more of friends over this year or so, and it just hasn’t happened.

It is time for another nap…