Monthly Archives: January 2010

Rearranging Furniture

and I am now only fit for bath, supper, and sleep!

In my new bedroom.

The upstairs of my little house is unusual. To get to the bathroom, you have to go through what was described to me as the second bedroom. The main bedroom is the only room in the house it’s possible to close the door on, and not have visitors see it, as you come straight from street to front room, straight through to the kitchen, and up the stairs which lead off the kitchen  to the upstairs rooms.

There is a little outhouse kind of offshoot from the kitchen, which houses a toilet, and a little area for a washing machine, and the gardening equipment. (Um, best we don’t discuss the fact I now have a garden, and gardening equipment, and no clue whatsoever.) Oh, and the recycling boxes and rubbish bags. I really should get the council to bring me a wheelie bin.

Anyway, when I moved in I dutifully put myself into the main bedroom for sleeping purposes, and made the second bedroom a study space. Now I don’t have to keep everything I possess in one room, my bedroom became the tidiest room in the house! The living room isn’t bad, to be fair, and I’ve always been clean if not that tidy in a kitchen, but my work-type space…. oh dear. And, it’s way too cold to expect visitors to go to what in effect is an outside toilet!

So, in between dealing with the toughest week ever at work, and my growing dissatisfaction with the room I was sleeping in, and the lack of tidiness in the places people could see, it occurred to me that I didn’t actually mind people walking through my tidy bedroom to get to the bathroom, but I was minding them walking through a seriously messy work area. Which wasn’t actually working as a work area either.

So, today I’ve moved everything work and music related into the main bedroom, and created a more conducive working space.  Means I can have my keyboard out more of the time, too.  I’ve left the wardrobe in that room, mostly because I couldn’t face moving it, then probably moving it back because I couldn’t get it through to my new bedroom.

If I have overnight visitors, I will still put them in the second bedroom, and move myself back into the main bedroom! Mostly so they can have better access to the bathroom, and I am less likely to fall down the stairs in the middle of the night on my way to the other toilet than a visitor is. But also because I don’t see why I should inflict my mess on anyone but me.

So, I’m going to make my supper and eat, pack my work bag, have a bath and go to bed!! Cos, I’m very tired now.

Yet another nap

I was going to get so much done yesterday, and the evening before, and be all caught up with myself. But, the main physical causes of my underlying grotty feeling, leading to the tears, temper and tantrums became apparent over-night, and a double whammy of unwellness materialised. (I knew it wasn’t just frustration at the broadband stuff)

So, I am lying on the sofa, awaiting the arrival of supplies, and the last of my boxes!! I’ve not had my possessions all in one place for months now, and despite feeling grotty, this has cheered me up.

I am also aware of another cause of grottiness, more emotional this time. Some of it I’ve dealt with – on the grounds I might not be feeling well, but it did only take three phone calls to get the ball rolling, and it’s a major weight off my mind! The other related bit will have to wait until next week.

The rest of it is more down to a deep, deep stubbornness within me about admitting I might need some help. Or even that I even have needs that are not wants!! Somewhere along the line I’ve retreated far, far into an isolated  place I’d almost forgotten about…mainly because I’ve not been there for so long! But, by phoning in sick, (and if I hadn’t been so tired as well as feeling well and truly kicked in the stomach, I would’ve gone to work) and then by tackling the calls I’d been dreading doing, I’ve gone quite a way down the line to reminding myself it is perfectly OK to ask for help, and I’m not being a pest or a nuisance.

I am frustrated that various things haven’t happened by now, and frustrated that I’ve had to do some things I really hadn’t wanted to. I still haven’t any clue of how the next phase of my life is going to shape out… which isn’t altogether surprising as Plan A was totally kicked off the field and out of sight, then unexpectedly kicked back into play again, and is tantalisingly possible still, but not certain. Until it’s been 100% kicked into touch, I don’t think I’m going to settle into looking for Plan B.

I’m not sure if it’s worse than the uncertainty I lived with in my early 20s. Plan A for my life really went for a burton, though never quite left me, as I’ve worked in the same field whenever I’ve had paid work, just not in the role for which I originally trained – but know I’m not cut out to do, either then, or now. What I then did for the next twenty years wasn’t supposed to come to an end the way it did, but it has. I don’t regret the huge change my life is undergoing, but dealing with the consequences is exhausting.

Or, maybe the cutting myself off from everyone, and pretending I’m fine, and all is well when it’s not and I’m not is the exhausting bit. Or the going round and round in circles trying to get life on a more even keel is exhausting.

Strangely, I was really looking forwards to seeing more of friends over this year or so, and it just hasn’t happened.

It is time for another nap…

Time for a nap..

for after 24 hours of tears, tantrums, anguish, and threats of throwing the computer and the new router out of the window, the fourth phone call resolved the issue.

I am exhausted… and I have a hit list of those who have driven me mad in this process, especially the one who played around with settings on my computer to get it working with another router which I had forgotten about… No wonder I thought I was going mad.

Triggers

“So, what are the triggers….?”

I got asked this the other week, when I was trying to explain the erratic ups and downs of my emotions at the moment, but I dodged the question a bit at the time, saying there were too many different things, and it could all seem a bit something and nothing!

It’s stayed with me as something to think about, because what I said seemed true at the time, but didn’t satisfy either me or my questioner!

Today’s trigger was one I’ve blogged about before, and I knew even before we got to it, as I’m currently going to a church that is using a hymnbook I know extremely well. To the point of knowing the numbers of hymns I know best, and have used in Car Number Plate Hymn Singing Contests. (Which only works with old cars with two and three digit numbers on the UK registration plates – the current system doesn’t work well, though will we go to three digits now were in year 10? I digress…). I am resigned to music in church doing me in on a regular basis for now, unless I’m playing.

Friday’s triggers, though I covered it up until I got home from work, were odder. One was being mocked for having two back-packs, and how could I possible use two when I only have one back? I’m beginning to get very annoyed about the mocking from this source, as it’s someone I’ve listened to a lot, especially when she is feeling misunderstood for doing something she considers perfectly normal, but other people don’t. I was also thrown by a complete change of timetabling for Job Number Two. I’m sure it’ll be OK, and it is more hours, but it’s unsettling. I was very professional and calm as I was told about it, but reacted when I got home. I know why the changes are being implemented, and they are being done on a logical basis… this is re-enforcing to me that this is not a world I can work in longer than this year.

Yesterday’s trigger shook me up more than I really realised. I’ve made a bit of a joke of it, but the fact remains I was quite shaken and totally adamant that I was finishing my self-appointed task of cleaning behind the bookshelves at Job Number Three so no-one else had to find anything like this. I was rescuing books and stock that had fallen behind them, (easily done, not usually deliberate) or rubbish, items that had been deliberately placed there that were not of the shop stock, and came across this one item of a nasty, obscene kind that I didn’t want to see, or let my colleagues see, let alone any customer in the shop. I came home and immediately had a bath, once I’d destroyed that which I’d found.

I think if I had to sum up the triggers over the last few months, they come into four main categories.

  • Reminders of significant events or people.
  • Changes of routine outside my control.
  • Invasion of privacy and personal space.
  • Anything totally unexpected!!

But, and it’s a significant but, not all instances of these send me off into a emotional downward spiral, and I am hopeful this is all temporary!!

Temptation resisted

I phoned the bank today to order a paying in book, and discovered they were keen to upgrade my account, as I have, thus far, proved to be an exemplary customer.

To be honest, at the moment, there is only one thing I would like from the bank account I have, and that’s a better debit card, as the one I have has its limitations, one of which being unable to pay for train tickets by card.

But, I listened to what was on offer… then declined!! To the obvious astonishment of the woman at the other end of the phone. I don’t want an automatic over-draft facility, nor did I want any of the other things on offer until my income is more settled. At the moment, on my current tight and somewhat erratic income, I do not want to be tempted into debt.

I am also trying to resist the temptation to fall asleep – it’s been a long work week, and it’s not finished yet!

Scary

I am a wimp. This is official. I’ve long been unable to watch films that have a lot of violence in them, and rarely see films with a 15 or 18 certificate unless someone who knows me has vetted it.

It’s confirmed having watched a group of mostly 17 year old young men being taught how to use a Band Saw Machine, and the ease at which it cut through thick wood. Now, I’ve heard that machine in action a lot, I’ve watched it being used by an expert, and not really thought about it, but having learnt today all about it (I can draw a beautiful diagram of it!) and all that can go wrong… I may have to close my eyes when they are taking their turns at using it. I shall pray very hard instead. Luckily, I don’t have to have a go.

Mind you, the day before all this could’ve been a scary day, and nearly was, but I followed all my instructions to the letter and all was well. Shame about the fact the instructions had been changed and no-one informed those who needed to know. That could’ve been much, much scarier.

Then, it went and snowed. Again. There was much in the way of bad language at 05.17 a.m. as I contemplated the extra inches of the stuff that had appeared whilst I slept. I did get to come home early, though.

Boilers and pipes and washing machine all seem to be behaving, though. Thanks for the link to the Patron Saint of Plumbing, Cal, I like the mixture of things he’s Patron Saint of!! Luckily, truthsign, I am neither in North London, or in need of a new plumber. I’m sure he is an admirable saintly plumber, though, and i am convinced they all need cherishing at the moment.

Is there a patron saint of plumbing?

Because I need to invoke whoever it is to keep guard over my boiler, and my outside pipes until this cold spell is over, as I want no more boiler dramas, definitely not another frozen pipe, and no more Nice Men traipsing through the house at regular intervals. (Well…. OK, I’m open to negotiation on that latter point, depending on the Nice Man.) Especially when I’ve just washed the floors.

On the other hand, I have now been properly introduced to my youngest next door neighbour, and he is a most charming young man.

However, it wasn’t how I intended spending most today at all, and I’m now going to have to work out how to fit the rest of the work that I should’ve been doing into the odd few hours I get to myself next week!!

Luckily, the main event of the day took place as planned, and all was well. I said what needed to be said, mostly (I remembered two bits I missed after, but decided I’d probably said more than enough for now – especially as it was difficult stuff to say anyway), and was heard. I need to leave that stuff now, and trust it will be dealt with.

I think I will sleep well tonight…

Trudging

That’s what I’ve been doing all of today! Trudging along in my heavy boots (slow, but I got to my destinations, and I stayed upright!) trudging along through a dull day’s work, trudging home what was supposed to be a quicker way. And trudging through the pile of forms and collecting official bits of paper together for a trudge to hand them all in tomorrow.

But there have been some non-trudgy bits of today! I’ve had the necessary conversations with the all the necessary people today, and all concerned now accept I am job hunting for one, full time job. We are all in agreement that whilst we’ve all tried to make this complex arrangement of two part time jobs in the same work place make up one full time job, it just isn’t going to happen.

Tomorrow won’t involve a lot of trudging, or at least I hope it won’t!! It will involve a lot of talking, and sorting out, and hopefully some further clarity.

I don’t think I’m going anywhere tomorrow

For since returning home early from work this afternoon, about five hours ago, there has been a steady falling of that white stuff from the sky, a sky that looks set to continue to produce the white stuff, my footprints in the snow on the path outside my front door have vanished, and it has gone ominously quiet outside, apart from the occasional car having trouble on what is normally a busy little road – it being one that runs parallel to a major route out of this city, and used by those who think it’s a good alternative route.

Ominously, I also am beginning to ache all over, and have the beginnings of a sore throat.

So, I am decreeing an early night, after a hot bath and medicinal hot drink, and will be breaking my rule of having the computer in the bedroom, so I can check various websites before getting up. But, I somehow don’t think I will need to set out

Oops…

Oh my… I have never sung “When I survey the Wondrous Cross” and “Hark the Herald Angels sing” in the same service before, and it’s an experience I’d really rather not repeat. Still, that’s one possible church off my list. For several reasons.

I’m going to have to grovel to my younger godson. Who, if rumours are to be believed, is now a good six to eight inches taller than when last I saw him a few months ago. Which means he, aged twelve, now towers over me. Help!!!

I am utterly bemused at rail fare increases. I can travel to C or D from A or B. A to C or D, the more expensive options, have not changed, but B to C or D have changed quite significantly. B is just the next stop along from A in the getting to C or D.

I think I would quite like to have the rest of the month as a duvet month…