Monthly Archives: October 2009

That solves that one…

I’ve been putting off making my mind up about whether or not I continue with the temporary work I am doing.

The answer is (as I suspected it might be) I continue until the end of term, and start looking for new work as of now. Whilst I am almost certainly going to have an almost full time job after Christmas, I am not counting on anything until I have it in writing, and would rather look for something else as well.

I’m also astounded that I’ve worked far more hours in my possible future job voluntarily this week (as a way of getting me back into the swing of things) than I do in a normal week, am far less tired, and am in fact, more energised for the next seven weeks than I would have been if I’d sat at home, supposedly conserving my energy for the coming few weeks.

The simple fact is, even if I lived closer to my current main place of work (and I am not discounting the effect the travelling is having, and it’s not good) I am not energised by it. I am clock watching the whole time, the ethos of the institution does not work in ways I do, and I have no life outside of it on work days, as I’m too tired, both physically and mentally, when I get home. And, frankly, it doesn’t pay well enough to off-set the negative points. In fact, it doesn’t pay enough to live on, so I can’t afford to do the job, even if I wanted to. Not even when the wretched tax is sorted, and the back pay I’m owed gets to me will it be enough.

Still, there is much entertainment to be got out of my life at the moment. Including the pink, fluffy, medium, Romans moment.

It’s been a long, long week

One of those weeks where nothing happened on the usual day.

This last six or seven weeks have been incredibly educational. It’s confirmed the fact that I am not an early morning person, and forcing myself to be so is not being at all good for me. I’ve reached this point feeling exhausted, run down, and wanting to do little but sleep. This is as tired as I was by Christmas this time last year! Mind you, I didn’t shove in a couple of house moves, and a complete change of life this time last year….It’s also confirmed I am not a person who works well in a large institution, and that it’s also not good for my equilibrium. Still, the coming week is a lot more relaxed, and I even harbour hopes of getting a couple of late mornings and maybe some early nights.

I’m also aware that I’m extra tired because I’m doing a mixture of work that is very new and demanding, and work that I’ve done before, but am relearning things I’d forgotten and there are also new routines with it, that I’m working in three different jobs, that I’m living somewhere temporarily and am having to think constantly about so many different things that I used to do automatically. It’s also that I’m getting desperate to get my own space, and my boxes unpacked and sorted – which I’m delaying doing until I’ve moved again, as Plan A, to do them here, got thwarted by the speed at which I got busy.

Yesterday was an exceptionally long day, but well worth it. I was delighted the coach arrived slightly early, thus enabling me to catch a bus home with only a two minute wait, rather than the half hour wait I was expecting. Even if I got a fright, as I’d forgotten the route changed slightly on Fridays and Saturdays after 9.00 p.m. and I thought we were going the wrong way, or I was on the wrong bus, going to my previous address in this city. (I am amazed I’ve not done that yet!) A group of us had gathered for a memorial service of a incredibly memorable woman, who had impacted on all our lives in so many ways! I’d been detailed to provide the music. So, before the service, I did a clarinet medley of hymns and songs specific to the group I belonged to along (with a good third of the congregation,) which had been founded by the woman we were gathering to remember, and then played the organ for the rest of the service.

Still, tonight I might even get an extra hour’s sleep!!

One day…

I’ll find all the music I need for one service, in one hymn book. Though, on this occasion the one tune I need that is not in the same book as the rest, is at least in a loose leaf book I possess, and I only need to remove the one page! Which is a blessing. This is because I’ll be transporting me, a clarinet, a music stand, (I never trust there will be one available) and the music I need for a three hundred and fifty mile round trip on public transport.

Normal-ish service resumed

Yesterday, um, I was having a tantrum-y, tearful day, and decided to shut myself away, as not fit for inflicting on the human race.

Today, I gave myself a stern talking to, and tackled the long, long list of really silly little jobs that needed doing, and feel tons better for having achieved almost all I set out to do.

So, I’ve collected the new uniform t-shirts for work and ironed them all (all twenty… three each for the two of us who need them every week, and the rest for volunteers) ironed my own stuff for the week, shopped for work, shopped for me, hoovered, dusted, mended the gate, raked up about eight bin-liners full of leaves, terrorised the local teenagers, (who now only take one look at me raking up leaves and think better of their foolish actions – I harbour no illusions, they continue to use the front garden as a supposed short cut when I’m not watching, but they no longer attempt it when I am there) mused on music for Friday’s funeral, and am now ready for a good night’s sleep.

Strangely, despite the fact I did very little yesterday, I did not sleep well at all. I do seem to be needing to be much more active, and busy at the moment for sleep to happen.

Soothing to the soul..

that was today’s activity of getting order restored to where there was none, seeing results, and feeling satisfied with the work.

Also soothing to my soul, for now, is the solitude when I return home. When I moved here, there was much angst on many people’s parts (and justified angst) that I would hide myself away, and turn into a recluse. That was based on the information known at the time, that I had a two day a week part time job, and no other concrete plans. What we didn’t allow for was the speed at which I would get busy with work, equivalent to a full five day working week… and it’s people intensive work, demanding work, enjoyable work, that leaves me very tired at the end of the working day, and not fit for socialising afterwards. It will get easier with time, as I get used to the work that is most tiring, and as I resurrect my skills that are a bit rusty, but for now, I’m very tired.

I’m also re-learning my own boundaries. And, the solitude is helping that. For years now, my life has been lived in a pretty public arena, with many people being part of my every day life. It’s been my choice to live that way, but the cost has been high. For now, I’m finding I don’t want to let many people into my personal space, I’m not wanting wanting my privacy invaded without prior arrangement unless it’s someone I know well, and I’m not wanting everyone’s opinion on how I should be organising my life. (I could write a book on the amount of supposedly helpful advice I’ve had lately – 99.9% unwanted, unasked for, or previously thought of, considered and rejected.)

The biggest change of all, for now, is going to be the virtually complete step-back from church I’m about to do. I’ve been an active member of whatever church I’ve gone to for all my adult life… and it’s currently too much. I just can’t do it. It’s the place where my old way of life and my newly emerging life are clashing so badly, and I can’t be the person people knew any more because the barriers I put up to protect myself then, more than four years ago, have well and truly tumbled down, and I’ve no intention of resurrecting them. I feel bad if I say “no” to requests to do things, be it play or read, and the reactions I’m getting are making me crabby and defensive…

It’s also very tiring being on the receiving end of all this angst on my behalf… maybe I should have gone for the moving a long way away option in the first place.

Battening down the Hatches

Temperature was messing about, body aching, sheer bone-deep tiredness not shaken off for days, so what did I do all day yesterday? That’s right, I was foolish and worked. Physically hard, all day.

Today, I have paid the penalty, been off work, and have cancelled tomorrow’s activities, just to be on the safe side. I have stayed in and kept warm, essentials were delivered about an hour ago, and I really have shut and bolted the doors to all comers now.

I think, on top of the stressful events of last weekend, and some reactions setting in, there’s also a deep, deep need to be in my own space, with my own things, and to be ordering my life in ways that work for me. It’s a bit of a “So near, and yet so far” stage at the moment. Things are set to fall into place very nicely in six or so weeks time, but could so easily not.

So, today has just been about sleeping, eating, relaxing, and doing as little as possible. As will tomorrow, and probably Monday.

Now where was I?

Oh yes, I was going to shut and bolt the door on the world for a day or so, once my expected visitor had gone.

Shame about the unexpected one, who will not be allowed into the house again, … dealing with the aftermath of that has taken most of my emotional energy this week, in between realising I am really very, very tired (or I would have handled Unexpected Visitor much better) and that reactions to all the changes have set in a bit.

I’m also going to start looking for a church to go to for when I move on.


My legs are. I’ve made them work too hard this week, and they is achy. Hot, hot bath later, and maybe only an hour or so in the new boots tomorrow, before needing to wear them for work.

So is my bookseller’s soul rebelling. I’ve not done it for two years, and on my return today, the queries were exactly the same. “No, I’m really, really sorry, you can’t get a Large Print leather bound KJV Bible in a small enough size to fit in your handbag for church on Sunday.”

My introverted nature is also rebelling! I’m a pretty sociable soul, and can be very gregarious in company when I have to be, but I also need plenty of time alone, and slightly more than I’m currently getting. Hopefully, after Christmas, that balance will be restored. It’s why I’m so adamant I want to live on my own for now.

And, so it the bit of me that struggles with being cared for. I am truly grateful for all those who are caring, but there’s beginning to be those who are drifting over the line from caring to interfering, and I don’t take that well.

Then, I’m rebelling about church tomorrow. It’s Harvest. Which I dislike (and I’m avoiding the Harvest Supper, too!) I’m in desperate need of sleep, and taking a bit of stock of where things are going. It’s also a significant date, and for the first time in a long, long time, I won’t be joining in liturgies and events to celebrate.

So, once this evening’s visitor has been and gone, I am shutting and bolting the doors, I will do what ever I need to to, except any work of any description.

Quite, quite tired now!

But, content.

For, with one minor exception, I have changed all my on-line identities to the one name. It’s taken a long time!! But well worth it, as it feels absolutely right to have done it, along with the efforts I’m making in real life to be myself in ways that I’ve not been doing for a long, long time.

I have also had a bit of an admin splurge, which I hate doing, but always feel better once I’ve done it!

So, a gentle evening sprawled on the sofa, with a good book, a large mug of hot chocolate, and some toasted cheesy muffins, followed by cake sounds good to me.