Monthly Archives: September 2009

Eeek!! Assistance required.

Am having an Internet Identity Crisis!

Should I change my nickname here, or on the Ship of Fools, where there is currently a name change amnesty? You have two days to answer….

It’s like this – I registered there long ago, but have only started becoming more active there after the time I started this blog, and got used to being Japes here! The name I go by there related to a phase of my life that is slowly drawing to a close… but, it’s not obviously so, is still pertinent, and I kind of like it now. It makes me giggle it’s one people use all kinds of variations on when addressing me, yet, in real life, anyone who messes with my name never does it again.

I think I’m about through with the real life identity crisis for now, and haven’t had a “What name did I use for this?” for a bit now. Though, anything’s possible, whilst I’m training people to use my real name. I really must get my work ID sorted, though.

My real life name is far too unusual for me to want to use that, but I’d like to be using the same name across all the internet places where I visit, especially as there is a certain amount of overlap. It’s also part of a real-life desire to be the same person wherever I am… it’s one thing being professional at work, but when it feels like you’re acting a part all the time, depending on who you’re with and where you are, then it’s time to do something about it. Which I am.

So, do I keep Japes, or my Ship Name, or one I use somewhere else, or change the whole lot to something new?!

Time to stop.

The trouble with my new routine is, um, there’s not a lot of routine. I’m busy most days, every day is different, Friday is the busiest, and by Friday night I’m totally exhausted.

Partly it’s due to the fact I’ve never been good at mornings, but have to be up and out a lot earlier than I’ve ever had to be in my life before. Partly it’s due to a whole heap of unsettlednesses. I’m happy where I am, I’m happy to be doing what I’m doing and it’s beginning to come together, but nothing is settled. A friend called this evening and got excited about possibly coming to stay after Christmas – I had to break it to her I had no clue where I’d be!

So, what do I do on a day off – I wake up way too early, I get totally over-domesticated, and spend all day cleaning, washing, window cleaning, getting a quick music rehearsal done for tomorrow, and gathering a headache.

I definitely need to plan some time that’s just for me, and not get sucked back into feeling I’ve got to be seen to be doing something useful for other people all the time!!

So, I’m going to shut this down, go back to bed, to see if sleep shakes off this headache, and not do anything that resembles work of any description tomorrow!

Boing!

Back from long walk!! Sorry it took a day or so.

More paid work offered and accepted, for now. I’ve had to have Japes-sized steel toe capped boots ordered, and as a spin-off, will get to fulfil an ambition of my early days that I’d completely forgotten about. (To learn carpentry skills.) I am unbelievably bouncy about it! My wood is all marked out and ready for sawing next week.

Is there something in the Wibsite Water…(or maybe Greenbelt?) there have been a lot of engagements!! My congratulations to all concerned.

it was bound to happen

Should I have given any impression of being some kind of Biblical scholar, who knows exactly where to looking things up.. I apologise for misleading you. I just happen to have occasional moments of remembering where to look for things, and for all other moments, if I can remember key words, Biblegateway or Oremus (depending on your preferred version…) make me look much cleverer than I really am.

I am, like Tractor Girl, pondering how much easier some of the current stuff would be if the world were a simpler place! I am also grateful that uncertain as much of my life is, it could all so easily be so much worse, and that most of the uncertainties are not of my making, though there are things I possibly could’ve done to eradicate some of them a while ago.

I think I’m also letting some of the stuff that’s been seriously bottled up for a very, very long time out… and it’s hard work. I’m not regretting how I’ve done the last year or more at all, there have been far more people than me to consider, but the cost to me is only just beginning to be reckoned, and it’s huge. Some I knew, and some is only just beginning to be realised.

But, as I’ve been holed up stewing over this all morning, I’m taking myself off for a long walk! Part Two will follow…

It’s a good thing I love my work…

even if I occasionally wonder just why I’m doing it when it would be far more sensible to do something else full time, rather than finding something that works alongside this one!

For in what other job than mine would I seriously discuss Proverbs 26:11 with two teenagers, who as a result think the Bible might be worth taking a look at after all! Not sure if they were taken aback that I absent-mindedly stated “Oh, there’s something in the Bible about that” (as I was listening to them, and catching up on admin) and promptly found it. Or they were astounded I was clued up enough to find what I needed on the internet (for, in the eyes of the technically minded teenaged male of the species I am Old and Clueless. They are learning – rapidly!). Or they were impressed at my Biblical knowledge, maybe?

Still, it made my day and the long commute well worth while.

Edging gently forwards

Thank you for the sympathy on Sunday! I have recovered my equilibrium and have even played all the songs again for myself, in a safe place.

I’ve been turning mental cartwheels most of the afternoon, after hearing I’d not got the job I went for an interview for yesterday. I had been planning to say “No”, but was feeling guilty about that. I’d not had a good feeling about this job, right from the beginning of the application process, but it came in the category of one that I could do, and other people could see me doing. So, I’d been getting quite a lot of pressure to do it as it would also work reasonably well with the current part time job. But the things that wouldn’t work well (needing either to move closer, or get a car, or deal with clashes of commitments in two people intense part time jobs, village life – which I know I find difficult…) far out-weighed the advantages for me.

However, since moving back to the bigger city, things have changed quite a lot for me. I’m loving being back in the city, I’m not minding travelling a fair distance to work, as it’s not every day – I’m really enjoying the space and time to get my act together!

I’m now far surer that I want to work towards returning to self-employment as a music teacher. It’s work I’ve done before and enjoy, and if I can balance it with a part time regular job, so I can resist the temptation to vanish into a cosy, introverted world of my own, so much the better! I can also get my organ playing back to a more respectable level of playing! It’s been OK, but I’ve not been happy with it for some time now.

And, if I can win the war with the children who think it’s acceptable to trespass by taking a supposed short cut through the garden (“But, we didn’t know someone lived here….” “Tough, they do. Out!”) I’ll be really happy. They should be grateful I’m not here every day at school out time.

That hasn’t happened for a long, long while

But, it did in church this morning. I couldn’t sing the last hymn for the tears…

It’s rare for me to cry in front of other people anyway, and even rarer in church, as I go into professional musician mode when I feel tears coming on, even if, as at the moment, I am in the congregation. (For now, I’m a content occasional musician.) So when tears actually happen it shakes me up quite a bit. I had to go home to collect something I’d forgotten, so had a chance to recover my equilibrium before joining the coffee queue.

I do know it needed to happen today. Only I knew about it at the time, apart from the two people I told (or the people near me who may have heard me stop singing). It probably also happened as a cumulative thing all through the service, as if I’d been choosing a Significant Hymn/Song List of the last twenty years, most of the songs we sang this morning had meaning for me attached to them.

For curious minds, from the selection we sang, or had played during communion, or before the service, the ones that would be on my Significant Hymn/Song List included

  • “At the name of Jesus” (to my preferred tune)
  • “Lord, I come to you, let my heart be changed, renewed”
  • “The Servant King”
  • “All I once held dear ”
  • “Be still, for the presence of the Lord”
  • “In Christ Alone”
  • “I, the Lord of sea and sky”

Now, anyone of those on their own could well have done it, but the one that finished me off and left me tearful and shaky was “I, the Lord of sea and sky”, especially the chorus.

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

It just has so many memories attached to it, of youth occasions, of a funeral, of schools singing it, but specifically of a commitment I’d made that I just didn’t ever envisage disentangling myself from. Only the fact that it is becoming clearer by the day that God is leading me in a totally different direction, and has other purposes for my life has made me turn my life completely upside down.

Mostly, over the last few weeks, I’ve been very calm and relaxed about the decision, but, sometimes, it hurts. Very much. Today, it did that. Especially being surrounded by lots of people who are getting to hear the story, and who’ve known me for a few years now. But, I didn’t run away from it all, or tried to ignore what I was feeling. It’ll only come back again and again if I do both those things, tempting as it is to continue the seeming to be calm and relaxed. There are times for that, and professionalism. This isn’t one of them.

It’ll be OK in a while, though!

Orange and Green Stripes

All in a day’s work… and tomorrow’s work will be removing them from my trousers. I knew it was a mistake going into work in respectable clothes today. Still, it’s been an excellent two days, and has set the new regime going very nicely.

I’ve been here a week now, and getting accustomed to it. It’s taken a while to get used to the creaks and noises of the house, but I think I’ve got there! Mind you, I was so tired last night, I don’t think the Second Coming would’ve woken me, so odd, creaky noises didn’t stand a chance.

Sadly though, I think I’m going to have to re-train my body clock. I do not do mornings, left to my own devices, and I’m going to have to get used to being up and out by 6.15 twice, if not three times a week. Which is a bit of a shock to the system after some years of not needing to be up and doing before 7.30, and the last few weeks of not really emerging until the rest of the household had got up and got their days under way, so about 9.00 a.m. at the earliest. I am so, so looking forwards to a long lie in and a lazy day tomorrow – apart from the aforementioned laundry and unwanted stripes removal. I’m also going to have to get better organised the night before! Which doesn’t come naturally either. But, living immediately by the bus stop is most helpful, and if I emerge from the house, as the bus is coming round the corner, it will wait for me I have discovered!!

Bath time.. I may discover I’m green and orange stripy, too!

Slumped well and truly…

having solved the mystery of why I was sleeping so badly, (a simple wool related problem, but something I’d completely forgotten about myself and some of my peculiarities… I keep forgetting I’m allowed to have such peculiarities again) I went back to sleep for a bit longer this morning, and haven’t really woken up properly at all.

At some point I’m going to have to go out and deal with some work related errands, but that can be after lunch… or even on the way to work tomorrow.