Monthly Archives: August 2009

Odd Day

It’s been the oddest kind of day… I’ve been in a most peculiar mood, and probably should have stayed well out of everyone’s way today.

But, I am remembering acutely why I have chosen to keep such a distance between me and my family for so long, and why, for the sake of my sanity and sense of being allowed to be myself, that distance will be re-introduced soon.

Inertia

It struck me for three days! I think I’ve emerged kind of, sort of… Enough to get my act together to sort the mini-impending garden waste crisis, (having failed to put the green bin out early enough) and persuade a nice kind soul to take me to the local amenities site to avert the crisis.

Partly I’ve been catching up on sleep, partly I’ve been musing on why, for some reason that is beyond me, I’ve been listening to several people on the subject of their young, but adult off-spring, and getting hugely frustrated at the levels of control they seem to want to exert in their adult off-spring’s lives. I’m not sure I’m the right person for this, as I tend to be on the side of the off-spring, and am definitely in trouble at the moment for suggesting to one such parent that maybe it was time to concentrate on their own lives, and let Off-Spring sort out their own.

Maybe I was lucky, I was financially independent of parents from a young adult age, and have never had the pressure of parents telling me how to live my life, because they pay for it. (I have sympathy for parents there, though!) Maybe I was just more protective of my own privacy, and told my parents very little, so the kind of disputes over unsuitable friends, choice of lifestyle, career never really came up because, on the whole, they were seen as my choices, my decisions once I had left the parental dwelling. (Somewhere I’ve not looked on as home since I left.)

Or possibly, when I was living with my parents, I learned the art of looking as if I were conforming whilst quietly going my own way!

I’m also beginning to be really thankful my choice (after a certain amount of debate with God) of living out my life as a Christian was so clearly my own, not because it was the way I was brought up.

Pleasant Occupations

It’s a strange feeling, this doing of household tasks and enjoying them. Something to do with not feeling I’m being watched, and judged for what I do or don’t do, or how I do or don’t do it, methinks.

Then, for the first time in ages and ages, my clarinet has emerged from it’s box. Not just for playing in church or seasonal singing at a point in the year I’m not going to mention because I’ll have hysterics, or because I’ve been asked to play something for an occasion, but because I want to play it, and to enjoy playing it again. I would like to return, at some point in the future, to teaching music, and that means I need to be back in practice again. So scales and exercises were heard for about an hour last night and I’m aiming to do that most days for a while. There are also a few pieces that I love which might be tried today. I do have an aim. I want to be able to play the pieces I played for my degree final again, and I also want to learn some new pieces that I never had time to learn before.

I’ve had a re-jiggle of the boxes in my room, and the ones sitting patiently in the garage awaiting liberation, trying to work out if I need to leave the boxes in the garage for now, or just take absolutely everything and hope it all gets sorted! Mmmm

Now for some hot buttered toast, and coffee.

Explorings…

My virtue knows little bounds today. I’ll come down to earth with a bang tomorrow!!

In the process of delivering a job application form, with the devious motive of checking out the place that I might end up working in, and possibly living in, (as I can’t see how I can do the job without living in the area, given the poor nature of rural public transport – which is one of my main reasons for not wanting this job, I don’t want to live and work in a village!) I unintentionally explored a lot more of the area, as I got off the bus too early.

I was also presented with an opportunity to explore the local pub, which is an experience I won’t repeat willingly. I’m not a regular pub goer, but I’m quite content to go into a pub and have a drink/meal on my own occasionally. This one made East Glaswegian pubs look up-market and sophisticated. (For those readers outside the UK, most East Glaswegian pubs are not places I would willingly go to alone!! Or even willingly go to!!) Fortunately, I spied an easy bottled soft drink to take away with me, and pleaded that I was needing to get the bus, (only one an hour) but I didn’t want to avail myself of the facilities (an urgent need) without some kind of payment.

I have now seen more of the county of my birth and upbringing in the last four weeks than I had in the eighteen years I lived here. Interesting….

Not sure it’s safe today

Last night, Scrabble did strange things to me and I thought I’d broken it, another site I use regularly has snapped it’s elastic bands and lost it’s blu-tack this morning, therefore I am a tad concerned I might be spreading my bad influence around by writing here, but I will take all the blame if such happenings occur.

I am very tired. The sort of tired that just has me wanting to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more. This happens occasionally, and luckily, I can do just that!

I am deeply impressed that this minuscule corner of the blogging world is reached by people from four different continents! Though, to the person who found it by enquiring about “Organist Bare Feet” I would suggest playing the organ in bare feet is perfectly do-able, but not necessarily the best course of action. I am about to be looking for a suitable pair of shoes, with thin soles and slight heels as this is by far kinder to the feet.

I am bemused by how this may have been found by “housework prayer”.

And, as ever, much sympathy to all those going through phases of one kind or another.

It’s early days yet…

I have to keep reminding myself when I’m getting frustrated.

I also have to keep reminding myself I’ve had a fairly unusual three weeks or so by any standards. Uprooting myself completely, and doing the uprooting over the period of a fortnight, whilst fulfilling several short-term, but long standing commitments may seem idiotic on paper, but having got through it all more or less in one piece, I am glad I did it that way. Logically, I should have done the uprooting either before or after the events, but…. yes, logic never was my strong point.

And yes, job hunting begins in earnest as of now. I am definitely available for work. But, I find myself with somewhat of a dilemma or several.

I am grateful to all those who are doing their best to be helpful, and supportive, and I know they care and are somewhat concerned. But, I need to do all this in my own time and my own pace, learning to be myself again. I need to be clear about what I want and need. It’s all very like being back at secondary school, the teachers and careers advisor telling me I could do this, or that, or I should think about… and I was just befuddled and bemused, totally unable to say I don’t want to do, or be what you think I should be. I’ve always been clearer about what I don’t want than what I do want… mostly, I think, out of some irrational fear that voicing what I do want is somehow self indulgent and selfish. Yet, deep down, I know I’ve ignored a lot of what I want for too, too long, and it’s not selfish, or self-indulgent to need to do the things I need to do.

Whilst I’m very clear I’ve made the right decision to change things so dramatically, I’m well aware it’s not going to be simple. I am also aware now is not the time to be making any more dramatic life changing decisions. Or decisions on a whim.

Somewhere, I also need to allow myself to grieve for the past, when I need to, but not let myself get bogged down by it. What has been, has been and can’t be changed or altered, it was not wrong at the time, yet somehow was never quite right either.

I do need to re-settle into a regular prayer routine.

I do need to remember the world isn’t all sorted in one day!

I would have blogged

but, circumstances were against me!! Including the lack of a password… oops.

Circumstances have now all aligned again, but I’m somewhat sleepy, having made the most of being home alone to do some shifting around of my stuff, and a colossal amount of laundry. How did I get through so many T shirts and jeans/trousers in the last fortnight?

Actually, given I’ve moved me and my belongings from one place to another, which has including carrying it all down two flights of stairs, packing it into the car, then unpacking the other end, and then been involved in a weeks worth of events involving small children, and got very wet on two days, it’s not surprising how many T shirts and jeans/trousers have just been washed!

I am reunited with my radio/CD player which is bliss…

I still appear to be completely dis-interested in chocolate. Which is completely un-natural. I totally agree with all those who have previously commented on this.

I will be gone for another few days, then normal blogging should resume…

A most unusual state of affairs!

I am not ill.

I am not sickening for anything, as far as I can tell.

I have not lost my appetite.

But, I appear to have no interest in chocolate, whatsoever. I’ve not wanted any all week, but on the day I did a biggish shop, I bought some in case I felt like it later. Two days later, (that’s a miracle in itself) I ate it, and thought “No, I didn’t actually want that.”. Yesterday, and today, I refused chocolate when I was offered it.

I shall monitor this state of affairs…