Gulps. I’m not sure, but I’m a big step towards finding out.
It’s been quite a day, really. I had an unexpected day at home, as I wasn’t needed at one of my regular commitments. So, I was bold, and resolute, and wrote three letters, two official ones, and one personal. I’ve known I’ve had to do these for a while, I’ve even had the draft for the main one on the computer for a month or so, but knew they were going to be emotionally draining to write, so was waiting for the right time. Home alone, with virtually no chance of being disturbed, apart from a phone call I’m waiting for…. still.
I faffed a bit with cleaning, (bathrooms and kitchen floors, and some hoovering – I’d hate to break with tradition, I blog when I’m avoiding cleaning, and I clean when I’m avoiding writing…..) then, with large mug of coffee to the right of me, spare hankies to the left of me, and music gently playing in the background (“In Christ Alone”, which was coincidentally on when I started, and it suited my mood, so I put it on repeat!) I settled down to write the first and most important one, printed it out for the official version and e-mailed copies to the people who need to see it first.
The second one was much easier, it was merely a request to see someone with a view to exploring employment possibilities that we had already discussed, but couldn’t be any more than vague about it when it was first mooted. But, it was still hard to do, as it meant there was a solid reality of the outcomes of the first letter.
Finally, and this was the one that nearly finished me off, a personal letter to someone who is going to find this particular decision very difficult to accept, and will possibly need much reassuring that there really was nothing that could be done to prevent this happening now. No one person, or set of circumstances are at fault, though there are things that should never have happened the way they did. What matters now is getting this as right as can be, and for everyone involved to move on and let go.
Me especially on the moving on and letting go! When I was in retreat just after Easter, I did a meditation on finding God in the city. I find these kind of guided meditations really hard to do, but I persevered with this one. Partly because I thought I would find it easy, then partly because I was intrigued that I was finding it so impossible to stick with!! You see, I’m a city dweller, love city living, and the people who live in them, the work I do has almost always involved inner-city areas where mostly people are wanting to get out to somewhere “better” as fast as possible, but I was shocked to find no amount of wanting to get off the hill I was mentally sat on, overlooking my favourite city, could make me budge. I eventually coaxed myself off the hill, but it was reluctant, and got even more reluctant when I was imagining God wandering around with me, and I didn’t linger in any of the many cities I could readily call up to my minds eye. In fact, I don’t think I ever really finished the meditation! I’m still thinking about it all, and what God might be saying in it … I have the sheet of paper with it on to try again sometime, when I’m having a quiet day. But, it does seem that whatever I have been doing is no longer what God is asking me to be doing any more, but I’m not at all clear what it is I should be instead.
There are going to be a load more personal letters to write, and three more need to be done this week, but the rest can wait until I am able to confirm the results of the first official letter! Which isn’t going to happen for a few weeks…
All that I am clear about is whatever path it is I’m going to be setting off on, God will be with me, every step of the way, and I’m trusting God in a way I’ve not trusted for a long, long time.