Monthly Archives: November 2008

That was silly…

to own up to films making me cry. Then, to go and watch it all from the very beginning once more, because I missed the beginning…..

And, you know what? I cried all over again.

There are times when I really do wonder about myself.

Apart from weepiness and lethargy, I think I’ve more or less shaken off all the lurgies that have been lurking. Which is just as well, because tomorrow, and the next, ooo, twenty four days or so are going to be Very Busy.

Now, just to psyche myself up for my annual seasonal clashes. How to keep Advent when I work in a world that thinks that from here on in is Christmas. The themes of watching and waiting are starkly very real for me this year. Scarily so. I’d love nothing better than to hibernate from here on in!

But, I’m a church musician, who also works in a world where Christmas has more or less begun… I begin carol playing this coming weekend. The week after also sees some concentrated carol playing. Then, the week after that, I’m trying desperately not to think about it at all. I think I have one day free of Christmas Carols. I keep consoling myself with one fact. It’s not as bad as when I was working in Christian bookselling, though. Honestly.

I think it’s time to go horizontal again… I’ve come over all weak and feeble just thinking about it all!

Should I or shouldn’t I?

Actually, I already know the answer really… I’m not going to church! I am currently all wrapped up warmly in sleeping bag, in comfy armchair, in warmest spot in my room, and here I stay!

I’m feeling better that I was and am now at the limp lettuce stage if I do too much…like walk downstairs, or remain upright for more than ten minutes. I also know from long, long bitter experience that a cold that decides to take up residence in the chest area takes up residence for the long term. This is to be avoided if at all possible, and as I really do need to be on deck for tomorrow evening, rather than today, I’m staying put.

The other excellent indicator of not well-ness was definitely in evidence yesterday – crying at films is something I do relatively easily anyway (why films make me cry and books don’t, with one or two rare exceptions, is a mystery to ponder on another time) but yesterday I was considering putting out flood warnings for the area! They were films I’d seen before, I knew what was coming, I certainly didn’t cry at either of them first time round.

So, staying put for today, and as much of tomorrow as is reasonably possible, without tackling the pile of work that is threatening to over-flow out of it’s appointed area if I don’t do something to reduce it all soon, would be a Very Good Idea.

Off for more a horizontal view of life!

It is somewhat of a miracle that I’ve lasted this long

considering all the bugs and germs and lurgies doing the rounds, but I have well and truly succumbed now, and have the sore throat, the hot ears, the slightly perturbing feeling of a rock in the stomach, the all over aching and the ricocheting temperature. Until ten minutes ago I had several layers of clothing and the heating on full, and was still cold, despite friend’s reassurances it actually was rather warm in the house…

So, I’m going off line before I give it to anyone else.

See you when I emerge from the pit.

Things that still catch me unawares

At a family gathering last year, a photo was taken of as a complete a group of my siblings and cousins as we were ever likely to manage again. Five of the eight of us. It was certainly the first time since we were all teenagers, back in the early Eighties, that so many were in the same place. It’s the most we’re likely to manage ever again.

We’ll never get all eight again in this life. One cousin was killed in a car crash when I was at college, my brother died in an motorbike accident when I was in my late twenties, and he was twenty four. I’m used to all of that now – I have occasional moments of wondering what it would’ve been like had the two of them not died so young, but, on the whole, time has done it’s work of healing.

That accounts for seven… then there’s the eighth.

I’m not sure I will ever get used to him being in and out of prison. It’s been such a long time now, and he’s certainly spent more of his adult life in prison than out of it. Until he wants to change his life, it’s going to be no different. Until he wants to deal with the deep, underlying issues that plague him, there is nothing any of us can do, but stand by.

In his eyes, I’m a complete hypocrite. If I were a proper Christian, I would do anything to help him. I’d bail him out, provide him with all his needs, and because I won’t, I don’t exist. I am a hard hearted elder sister.

I reached a point of almost no return a long time ago. I find it almost impossible to pray for him, even. Luckily, I have friends who do instead… they aren’t so emotionally involved. I’d love to have a reasonable relationship with him, but, as things are, I can’t see it happening in this world, either!

It’s been going on so long now, I forget there are people who know nothing of any of these stories! I can still get upset by the telling of them if I’m not prepared or it’s a day I’m not up for sympathy. It happened not so long ago, and I was an emotional wreck for days after… I’d been asked about family, and was I older, or younger than my sister. Me, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m an archetypical bossy eldest, and that I have/had younger brothers as well, but because I only ever talk of my sister, and her family, I can quite see how the assumption was made I have one sister only. So, I began telling the sagas. I do forget the impact it can have all in one go, as well!! Oops…

So, I’m not entirely sure who was the most emotionally exhausted at the end of the conversation, me or the one who’d foolishly (but quite wisely, really) asked what he thought was an innocent question!! It certainly was the first time in a long, long time I’ve told it all in such detail… but, actually, I probably needed to do it, if for no other reason to remind myself of it all, because occasionally it has a huge air of unreality.

It’s an odd week that’s only getting odder

I’m certainly getting more and more tired, and really should go to bed…. but, I’m not yet properly sleepy enough to sleep.

Extra work is nearly finished, and I shall be very glad of that. It’s been a poor use of time, even if I’ve been paid for it, and even though I did get the Advent meditations partly planned this afternoon!

Then there has been the keys saga, and the lack of communication from the plasterers and the builders about said keys since Saturday. Which I now discover have been in the house all the time, just hung up in what to the plasterers was a logical place when they finished (early!) on Friday, but to me was totally illogical as we never keep the spare keys on the key rack… Why on earth someone couldn’t have phoned back to tell us where they were when I’d been leaving irate messages all over the place is beyond me.

And, if I hear one more “Well, I just called by on the off chance, and it’s only a five minute job…” from anyone else connected with the ongoing building works saga who has disrupted my work again, I am liable to say precisely what I am thinking…. and it’s not polite.

So, what’s more that’s odd? Wednesday work will split between Thursday and Friday. Other work catch up on Saturday.

I need to write to someone who may not respond.

I need to work on the list of things for the major review discussion.

I need… well, lots of things really.

Nothing to do with me, honest.

That was not a pleasant task I undertook whilst watching TV this evening. Removing curtain hooks from some revoltingly dirty curtains, prior to cleaning them, which will be tomorrow. Whilst I have been indulging in some shockingly slovenly customs for a day or so, (normal service will be resumed next week) I hasten to add that these curtains are not from my house, but from a small chapel I find myself charged with the domestic care of. I took advantage of the workmen being there to get the curtains down for the purposes of cleaning them.

It meant I felt it was my duty to have a long, hot relaxing bubble bath at the point at which my fingers could cope no more with the removal of the curtain hooks. I can’t remember when I last turned the bath water that murky colour. It was pretty spectacular, since I’d already had one bath this morning.

Yesterday, I could have done without the organ deciding to have a hissy fit on me in between a difficult announcement made before the start of the service, and me launching into the Joyful and Festal Anthem!! Rumours I’d been chewing gum and gummed up the works are completely unfounded – I’ve not chewn gum since I was allowed to have it, on the grounds I was old enough not to swallow it.

And, if it gets seriously cold overnight in the UK, I do apologise. I washed my dressing gown, and my slobbing around the house fleece today.

That was a touch careless

I misplaced three men today….


If I may be so bold as to suggest they might not have got lost if they’d rung me to check the directions provided by the nice internet people who do these things. You see, we’ve lost lots of people at exactly that point… no one ever believes it’s really that quick a turn once you’re off the roundabout. Once missed, you’re back on the inner ring road, quicksticks, and doomed to a certain amount of anguish.

Still, they found their way eventually, and we fed them lots of nice food once they got here. Equilibrium was restored. Meeting took place, and finished on time, despite the late start.

I also have dishes left drying on the draining board. I didn’t wash up immediately after a meal last night, and more shockingly, I had my cup of coffee before I did wash up. Just because, for the next few days, I can!!!!!

Wonder where exactly the hoover is?

The workmen, who seem to have been permanently with us since August, borrowed our hoover the other day.

I need it and I’m not sure I’m brave enough to venture down into the depths to see where it is. Especially when I peeked through the door and went “Arggghhhh!!!!” last night.

More importantly, we need our spare keys back from them. Now. This is a matter about which I am very cross.

Help! Out of Control Prayer Lists…

A wide variety of friends and acquaintances, knowing I do pray, leads to eclectic intercessions lists. I’ve been relying on memory until recently. But, currently my poor head is bursting with so much information, I need a Pensieve, I think, to syphon it all out!

I also need, I think, a small, portable notebook in my bag at all times, and possibly, a better System! My in-room system is a cork noticeboard with picture and post-notes. It works, but I don’t always remember what I’m asked to pray for during the course of the day. (Woe – hopefully God honours the intention, and the quick prayer that usually happens there and then.)

Mind you, I got a fair amount done in the writing of this mornings list of lists… maybe it’s not as out of control as it feels right now.

Just, maybe, some grim situations all at once, including a two year old, with cystic fibrosis who is not well enough for the surgery he needs, and someone who’s cancer has taken a dramatic and heading for terminal turn.

List of Lists

Gulps very loudly.

Actually, I hate lists. But…

I spent this morning writing lists, then a list of the lists, once I’d done the work I went out to do, and also assured friend her suggested route was probably as good as any, and it at least avoided her using four different motorways on a Friday. Can’t help her to avoid the M1, though; hopefully it will be minimal time on it.

The bonus is I got to do all this whilst sitting around waiting to do my next bit!! The joys of being a rehearsal pianist when you’re not used all through the performance! Must remember to take an Allen key next week, to open the piano lid with..

A week of digging out all my favourite recipes and enjoying them with someone who likes my cooking will be a great pleasure. It will be a joy to eat tomato sauce based food again. It will be a delight to eat “wet” food (anything in a sauce, especially tomato, or any kind of casserole). It will be pleasant to get through a meal without sarcastic comments of “I’m sure that was very good for me.” It will be reassuring to know my cooking will be enjoyed… it will be fantastic to sit down to the table and not have some one fussing about soaking the pots and pans and thereby letting her meal go cold. I’ve missed cooking my way. In my current living situation, I’m down to about three recipes which I try and vary as much as I can, but can’t always. Luckily, I only cook once or twice a week for the household, but it’s my currently least favourite activity of the week, when once upon a time, I used to enjoy cooking. The sound of my jaw dropping when I was muttering about getting the correct tea and milk for my friend’s stay, and I was accused of pandering to her “fussiness” could well have been heard through the Whole Wide Wibbling World.

Now, which list shall I tackle first?